Head-4-The-Hills

Beautiful Day

2010-10-24T13:45:00.002+01:00

I woke to glorious autumn sunshine this morning and just had to get out and enjoy the day. I've been in emotional turmoil this week following the break up of my relationship with Jack on Monday, so a walk was just what I needed. As I walked, to distract myself from darker thoughts, I wrote poetry recording it on my mobile phone until I could write it down. Here's the finished article.

Beautiful Day

The sun is shining
It makes me smile
I think I’ll walk
The Lang Scot’s Mile

Black cormorants
Their wings wide spread
Close to Halloween
Are they birds to dread?

Swans and geese
So serene
Upon the river
A beautiful scene

The Lang Scot’s Mile
Today a treat
To follow the signs
Of the marching feet

The Isle of Arran
In autumn splendour
Stands proud and clear
A sight to remember

Fresh air
Into my lungs it flows
The cold it nips
My ears and nose

Countless paw prints
On the beach
They chase a ball
Just out of reach

The autumn sun
Warms my face
As I take the time
To enjoy this place

Sunshine glinting
Off a plane
Would I leave all this
And head to Spain?

I walk on
My heart made better
By a beautiful day
And glorious weather

To enjoy alone
The marvellous view
Is not through choice
What I would do

The trials of love
Have cut me deep
Upset my days
Disturbed my sleep

But as I walk
Along the shore
I know in time
I’ll feel less sore

To find true love
Is my ambition
For today a walk
Is my only mission

Onwards and upwards
Is the only way
Cast cares aside
It’s a beautiful day.

3rd of August

2010-08-22T21:56:00.002+01:00

The 3rd of August was Ashley's due date with Kaiden. From earlier entries you will know that sadly Kaiden was stillborn on 13th April. A while ago I discussed with Ashley the possibility of doing something fun on 3rd August in an attempt to distract us all from the significance of the day. One of the things I suggested was a trip to Blair Drummond Safari Park. This idea obviously nestled inside Ashley's head, as that's exactly what we ended up deciding to do.

Plans were made. Kimberley and Stephen (my estranged husband) were going to join us on the outing, as neither of them were working, so it was all settled we just had to wait for the day. Oh if only life was that straightforward. On the Friday before our planned visit my younger brother, Ian, had left a message on my answer machine asking me to call him. I was quite alarmed by this and immediately thought something must have happened to one of my parents. I was wrong. When I called Ian he informed me that my older brother, Stephen (yep popular name)had a brain tumour and was in hospital. I knew Stephen had been suffering from terrible headaches for quite some time but certainly never expected this piece of news. Ian went on to tell me that Stephen had a meningioma, a tumour associated with the outer membrane of the brain, and that most of these were benign. As far as I was concerned it was still a brain tumour and came with all sorts of risks.

There was no date for Stephen to have his surgery. He'd been put onto steroids to reduce the swelling and associated pressure. Over the weekend I managed to speak to him. He sounded amazingly up beat considering what he was dealing with. He thought his operation would probably be on the Monday but that because he was stable he wasn't a priority and would possibly have to wait if something more urgent came in.

Well yes I'm sure you've guessed by now, Stephen's surgery took place on Tuesday 3rd August. So here we all were with our picnic ready for the planned trip and my brother undergoing several hours of potentially life threatening surgery. We did go ahead with our trip. I don't think my grandson would have forgiven us if we hadn't because he was really looking forward to seeing all the animals. We did have a lovely day and it was so nice being out as on big, happy family. We were certainly distracted from the significance of the day but not in quite the way any of us had expected.

I received a text in the afternoon to say that Stephen had come through his surgery OK and was shouting for his girlfriend - a good sign I suppose! We all breathed a huge sigh of relief. I think it was only then that I relaxed and began to really enjoy the remainder of our day out.

Stephen got home from hospital on the Friday and I was able to visit him on the Saturday. He looked a bit like Frankenstein's monster with a large swelling on his left temple, a cracking balck eye and a natty line of stitches. He was in very good spirits but did get very easily frustrated with things that he would noramlly have taken for granted, such as writinga and sending a textt. Stephen is a bit like me I suppose. I want to get better and I want it now. We all knew it would just take time. He was to have another scan to check how things were progressing and to see if all of the tumour had been removed. He was also to go for rehabilitation and tests to find out if there had been any lasting damage. Of course the tumour would also be sent off for tests.

I found out yesterday that Stephen was back in hospital. He had woken on Friday morning with a black eye! It transpires that he has developed an infection between his scalp and his skull and is running a very high temperature. He has had fluid drained from his head and been put on intravenous antibiotics. A sample of the fluid has been sent for lab tests to ensure the correct antibiotics are being given or can be given. I spoke to my mother today to find out how Stephen was when she saw him yesterday. He had been quite low due to the set back in his recovery and, I'm sure, because he felt so unwell but his spirits had bounced back a bit again. One piece of good news though is that the tumour was indeed benign. It is apparently a rare tumour though and because of this has been sent to another laboratory for further analysis. Just another wee twist in the tale.

Fingers crossed Stephen makes a full and speedy recovery.

Another Chapter

2010-08-09T15:39:00.003+01:00

Well my relationship with Chris was rather short-lived. He is such a lovely and very genuine man but he seems to have real issues with communication. We knew from the start that our relationship would be challenging due to the distance between our homes and Chris's working hours, however we had devised a plan to deal with both of these factors. What I hadn't taken into account was Chris's inability to keep me informed about his plans and arrangements. I really couldn't deal with being told that Chris was away for a few days part way through the day that we were supposed to be spending together. He hadn't thought to let me know before he left and no signal while away! He was supposed to be coming home on Sunday and was going to come to me for dinner then I heard that he was home on the Saturday evening and would catch up with me on Sunday morning.

Well Sunday morning came and went with no contact. Eventually I called his house - no answer, and got the same result calling his mobile. He then called me and informed me that he had decided to go to work. I was stunned. Could he not have let me know that his plans had changed? That was the final straw. Much as I like Chris I just can't deal with the poor communication. I have been on such an emotional rollercoaster from the highs when we are together to the absolute lows when he just doesn't get in touch. Sorry but life is just too damn short to spend time alone wondering if the person you are supposed to be with will ever think to get in touch.

I found theses lyrics on the internet. I think they fit the situation pretty well. The last line is going to become my mantra - The only one who can save you is yourself.

Another Chapter

Another chapter in my life, another unforgotten face
As my dreams are swept aside incomplete without a trace
I am trying to find peace on the street that has no rest
Has there ever been a time you've had to settle for second best

Not the winner of the game not the one in the hall of fame
You always knew there'd be days like this you feel so low the time's so slow
The one who strikes out at the plate you hang your head saying it's my fate
The only one who can save you is yourself

Until something happens again and you forget that one day
Can seem to get on with yourself why does it have to be this way
When I can't seem to do anything
It's so hard to believe a normal life is easy to achieve

Not the winner of the game not the one in the hall of fame
You always knew there'd be days like this you feel so low the time's so slow
The one who strikes out at the plate you hang your head saying it's my fate
The only one who can save you is yourself

You couldn't write a book about it!

2010-08-02T14:06:00.001+01:00

My life seems to have more twists & turns and highs & lows than any book I've ever read. Just this year for example I started off single then met Bobby through a dating site. He seemed a really nice chap and we got on like a house on fire. There were a few niggles along the road that things didn't sit just right but I kept looking at the good stuff. Six months down the line however I found out for definite that he wasn't the man I thought he was. He had been seeing his estranged wife behind my back. The fact that his meetings with his ex were purely platonic was neither here nor there, it was a betrayal of my trust.

At the beginning of the year my elder daughter was pregnant and looking forward to the birth of her second child in August. Things then started to go wrong with the pregancy. Ashley started bleeding and was eventually told that she had a blood clot in her womb, which was feeding off the placenta. There were a couple of emergency dashes to hospital but everything seemed to be OK with the baby, a little boy. Ashley and Kris were told that if they could get to 24 weeks they would have a viable baby. Sadly it was too big a hurdle for a little boy who had not been getting enough oxygen and nutrients. Ashley went in to premature labour bang on 24 weeks. During the labour Ashley and kris were told that that there was no longer a heartbeat. Little Kaiden just didn't make it.

In July I met Chris, again through the dating site. What a lovely man with a sad story of his own. He had lost his wife the previous year after a three year battle with pancreatic cancer. Nonetheless he had picked himself up and was ready to get back out there. I was so humbled when I discovered that I was only the second woman Chris had ever had a relationship with. He had actually been with his wife since he was just 16 - wow! Two days after meeting Chris for the first time I disappeared off to Switzerland with Guides. Chris and I kept in touch through texts and calls. I really missed him despite thoroughly enjoying the Guide holiday. It was lovely to see Chris again the day I got home from Switzerland. Our relationship is a challenging one. Chris lives in Denny, Stirlingshire, and works 6 days a week with Arnold Clark. His day off is a Thursday. I live in Ayr and am a teacher. I work 5 days a week with weekends off. So far things have been OK because I've not been working over the summer holidays allowing a bit of flexibility. However, the new term starts in 2 weeks. We have devised a plan but we'll just have to wait and see if it can work. I certainly hope so.

In December of last year, just before Christmas I slipped on the ice and jerked my back while preventing myself from falling. I knew I would suufer for it having been dogged by back trouble for several years. I wasn't wrong. Between Christmas and New Year the muscle spasms started. I worked hard at my physio to get on top of the pain. Things went really well until I then developed what I thought was a pulled muscle in my right shoulder. It wasn't until I was in the shower a few days later and tilted my head back causing pain to shoot down my right arm that I realised I had more going on than a pulled muscle. Now 7 months, an MRI scan and loads of painkillers on I am still suffering from constant pain in my neck. I have paid for osteopathy and have started attending a chiropractor. The NHS just fires painkillers at me saying that I may never be free of pain. I can't accept that hence paying for alternative therapies. Hopefully the treatment and expense will pay off and I can get back to doing the things I love to do. the other little twist was that I was told by the orthopaedic doctor that I couldn't swim, run or cycle so all that was left was walking then I broke the little toe on my right foot by accidentally kicking the door of my classroom! Even walking any great distance was out for a while. All I could wear on my feet was one particular pair of sandals for about 6 weeks whatever the weather!

With Kaiden's due birth date fast approaching and my neck pain still a concern I really didn't need anything else flung at me. It was not really a good time to find out that my closest friend, who'd lost her husband just last year, had now been given the added worry that her mother-in-law had been diagnosed with breast cancer. Nikki has had so many hurdles in her life that she really didn't need any more. Nan spends a fair bit of time with Nikki, as therest of her own family is fairly scattered. I know that Nikki will shoulder a great deal of the burden of care for Nan. All I can really do to help is be there for Nikki whenever she needs the support of a friend.

OK so I just got my head around Nikki's situation when, wham, in came the next body blow. My older brother, Stephen, who had been suffering from severe headaches for several months, has just been diagnosed with a brain tumour. He has a meningioma, a tumour associated with the outer membrane of the brain. The good news is that most of these tumours are easily removed and are also benign. Stephen still has to face his surgery, without a definite date yet but possibly tomorrow, and then be given time to recover. What can I do to help? Absolutely nothing. I sit at home and worry about Stephen and hope for a very positive outcome. I have spoken to my brother and he seems to be in good spirits. I think he is relieved that he now has an answer to why he's been suffering the headaches. Stephen has said that he wants to be fully recovered or dead, he does not want a halfway house. I can fully understand that. He has always been a fit and active person, not to be able to live his life to the full as before would just not be an option for him. Fingers crossed all goes well with the surgery and recovery.

Kaiden's due birth date is tomorrow - 3rd August. Ashley, Kris, Jake, Kimberley, Stephen (Ashley and Kimberley's dad, not my brother) and myself are all going for a day out to Blair Drummond safari Park. We all felt that we needed to do something positive to help cope with the significance of the day. I'm sure we will have a great day out and that Jake will have an absolute ball seeing all the animals at the park. With picnic on board we will set off in the morning with no planned time for returning home. It will be a happy day and is a good point to finish this tale of twists & turns and highs & lows.

Hallucinations part 3

2010-08-02T14:00:00.003+01:00

I have now been taking Amitryptiline for 5 days and, apart from feeling groggy in the mornings and having very restless nights, I think I'm pretty much sorted. The feeling of lightheadedness during the day are a bit bizarre though!

It has not taken as long this time to get used to the tablets. I have started taking them earlier in the evening, so that I am more alert in the mornings. I have my grandson coming to stay for a few days from Tuesday evening and he's up with the birds, so I need to be on the ball - hmmm, no small challenge. Think I'll be going to bed pretty early too.

Hallucinations part 2

2010-07-29T18:28:00.002+01:00

Well I actually managed to survive the dreaded hypnagogic hallucinations last night. I was in tears as I took my Amitryptiline, because I knew the potential demons that lay ahead. Thankfully though my fears were almost totally unfounded. I'm not saying the hallucinations didn't happen but they were far less severe than I have experienced in the past. Instead of the tenfold cliff fall terror I had all manner of shapes rushing at me each time I closed my eyes - so not nice. I would open my eyes and they were gone but knew I had to close my eyes to sleep - note to self: perfect the art of sleeping with both eyes open! I did have a few twitchy moments but again these were mild. Roll on tonight! Can't say I'm looking forward to it.

The Amitryptiline did knock me out I have to say. I first woke at 9am then slept again until almost 11:30am. I had to force myself to get out of bed or I might still have been there. A strong cup of coffee and a shower left me feeling a bit better but still just a few paces removed from dead. I did gradually start to feel better through the day but have to say that I could go back to bed now - if it wasn't for those damned tablets. Think I'll put it off as long as possible.

Hypnagogic Hallucinations

2010-07-28T20:42:00.004+01:00

OK what on earth are they when they are at home? Well here is a medical description from the internet:

Hypnagogic or hypnopompic hallucinations are visual, tactile, auditory, or other sensory events, usually brief but occasionally prolonged, that occur at the transition from wakefulness to sleep (hypnagogic) or from sleep to wakefulness (hypnopompic). The phenomenon is thought to have been first described by the Dutch physician Isbrand Van Diemerbroeck in 1664.1 The person may hear sounds that are not there and see visual hallucinations. These visual and auditory images are very vivid and may be bizarre or disturbing.

They are a documented side-effect of the drug Amitryptiline and one that I had the dubious pleasure of suffering from when I was taking that particular medication a few years ago. At the time I was also taking 600mg of Gabapentin to help me cope with severe sciatic pain. Believe me they were not nice. Just as I was dropping off to sleep I would experience the most bizarre and frightening sensations. My whole body would shake and I would shout out. I'm sure you have all experience the sensations of falling of a cliff just as you are falling asleep, well that is a hypnagogic hallucination. Now imagine that sensation multiplied 100fold - so not nice.

I'm sure then you can understand my current fear. When I was previously taking Amitryptiline I was living with my then partner. Each time I had one of these hallucinations my partner was able to hold on to me giving me the comfort and reassurance that I needed to move on through the trauma and fall asleep successfully. Tonight I am to start taking Amitryptiline again with two differences. I am currently on a higher dose of Gabapentin than I was previously, pretty much the maximum dose of 900mg three times a day, and I am alone. I am terrified of taking the medication, going to bed and experiencing the same type of hallucinations as I did in the past without being able to rely on the comfort and support of another person. I actually feel physically sick at the thought. My pulse has been racing all day since I found out I would be alone and I have struggled to eat. As I type this I am in tears at the thought of what lies ahead. Unfortunately it is a necessary evil. Since January I have suffered horrendous pain in my neck due to a disc and associated trapped nerve problem. I am receiving chiropractic treatment, at great cost to myself, but the medication will help me to get fully on top of the pain and hopefully re-jig the neural pathways. Oh but shit I am scared.

Lindsay's Parting Thoughts

2010-07-13T15:29:00.002+01:00

Came across this poem while I was having a bit of a clear out. It was written several years ago after I spent a year on secondment at the Neuropathogenesis Unit, King's Building, Edinburgh. While there I was involved in the investigation of Scrapie susceptibility in Suffolk sheep. The poem was written for my leaving do and includes several references to events that took place during my time there.

Lindsay's Parting Thoughts

The time has come to say goodbye
To my eye there springs a tear.
Who would have thought last September
That 3 months would last a year!

Parting is such sweet sorrow
In the words of our great Bard.
So why is it your mirth
To control you find so hard?

I was never really asked to leave
Nor told to take a hike.
Instead I was given a voucher
To help me Get On My Bike.

The lab will seem quite empty
Without my tapping feet.
Mt constant chatter will be missed!!!
But the silence will be sweet.

My tap dancing might suffer,
My practise may become lax.
So new steps I will expect Anita
To communicate to me by fax.

During my stay at NPU
I've made friends and had some fun.
But by far the biggest surprise of all,
Some useful work was done!

There were a few disasters.
Not all I touched was turned to gold, (poetic licence)
But my mistakes have got a name
LINDSAYISMS they are called.

She moved the boundaries of science
I'm sure they'll one day say.
But she would have done it quicker
If she'd done it Wilfred's way.
VORSPRUNG DURCH TECHNIK!

There is one thing about my move
That is really rather nice.
The corridors at the V.I Centre
Simply NEVER stink of mice.
3 day old carcasses perhaps.

I'm definitely going
Not for me the 11th hour reprieve.
All that's left for me to do
Is pack my bags and leave.

The time has come to say farewell
And head off back to SAC.
But in the words of Arnie
Watch out 'cos I'll be back!!

My Grandson

2010-04-18T11:33:00.005+01:00

When things are tough I often turn to poetry. The latest sadness in my life is no exception.

The best Christmas present I got last year was the news that my daughter, Ashley, was pregnant with her second child. I love being a granny to Jake, aged three and a half, and was really excited about being a granny all over again. Ashley was very sick this time then, fairly early on, started to bleed. She also had high HCG levels, which could indicate a variety of things including twins! A scan quickly ruled that excitement out much to the relief of Ashley and Kris. The bleeding continued and the cause was identified as a clot lying close to the cervix. This could be catastrophic, as it could cause the cervix to open and a miscarriage to occur. The blood clot was also feeding off the placenta, which, in turn, could have other implications for the baby. However frequent checks and scans seemed to indicate that all was well with the growing infant.

Things took a turn for the worst three weeks ago when Ashley suffered very heavy bleeding and had to be taken into hospital. She stayed there for three days having checks carried out. Ashley and Kris were told that if they could get to 24 weeks gestation there was a good chance that they would have a viable baby. We all started counting down the days.

Last Monday evening I spoke to Ashley on the phone. She told me that she had an upset tummy but we thought it might be due to the stress of not knowing why she was to go to hospital the following day or perhaps because of the increased dose of iron tablets she was now on to treat her anaemia. On Tuesday morning Ashley texted to ask if I was working, which I was. She said she'd been sick through the night and wasn't feeling great. I suggested to her that her dad could give her a hand with Jake, as he was off work. That was agreed.

I was only just home from work in the afternoon when my phone rang. It was Stephen. He asked if I could get through straight away, as Ashley was having contractions. It was 24 weeks to the day. My heart sank as I thought about the ramifications for Ashley, Kris and Jake with a 24 week baby. At the same time I grabbed essentials for Bobby and myself then we left.

I chose to drive to keep my mind occupied but I was so glad to have Bobby with me. We'd hardly travelled any distance when I got a call from Kris to say that the baby had no heartbeat. Luckily we were approaching a layby and I was able to remain controlled enough to pull over. Bobby took over the driving while I just went to pieces. Never had I expected that particular piece of news. I knew I had to get to my daughter as soon as possible but it was the hardest thing Bobby has probably ever had to do. To drive while I was distraught when every instinct was to comfort me, how he kept it together I don't know but will always be grateful for.

The traffic was horrendous on the way through Glasgow and again on the Edinburgh City bypass. Initially we were going to Ashley and Kris's house but Ashley then contacted me to let me know that I could come and see little Kaiden if I wanted to. I felt so privileged to have that opportunity.

We were met downstairs at the hospital by Kris who was extremely upset and emotional. He explained what had happened then took me upstairs to see Ashley. My daughter looked amazingly calm and almost serene though very tired. We hugged and chatted for a while about all that had happened then Kaiden was brought into the room.

I really don't think I was prepared for just how tiny my little grandson would be. The nursing staff had dressed him in a blue hat and cardi then wrapped him in a blanket and laid him in a tiny Moses basket. When I held Kaiden in my arms he just looked as if he was sleeping, so peaceful and the image of his big brother. I spoke to him and cuddled him for about an hour and the whole time I tried so hard to breath life into his little body. Kris showed me his tiny little hands. I picked one up and it was as if he was holding my finger. His feet too were so small. He felt cold, so I snuggled him close to warm his little body.

After a while I kissed Kaiden goodbye then hugged Ashley and Kris before leaving them with their little boy. I knew I couldn't be in the room when the nursing staff took Kaiden away again and I couldn't imagine how Ashley and Kris would feel later on when it came to them leaving the hospital without their little boy.

There's so much more I could say about the events of that tragic day and the one that followed. Of the beautiful and very thoughtful way that Ashley and Kris explained to Jake all about his little brother, but I am now emotionally drained having said so much already. I have written a poem, which made me cry, but which, in time, will help me to accept the loss of my second grandson.

My Grandson

I held you in my arms today
You looked so frail and small
Such tiny hands and tiny feet
Nothing much of you at all

You looked like you were sleeping
Though I knew this wasn't true
No matter how hard I tried
I could not feel breath in you

I'd felt you kick inside your mum
I'd looked forward to your birth
Now to have you here with us all
I'd give everything on Earth

The battle was too tough for you
The hill you'd climbed too steep
So sadly now and forever more
Little Kaiden you must stay asleep

Sleep safe in the arms of angels
For they will keep you right
And we will see your shining star
Look down on us every night

Sleep safe little one x

When a woman cries

2009-12-30T19:11:00.003Z

A good friend introduced me to the music of Joshua Kadison last night during a time that was particularly emotional for me - one of my personal storms. Why do they happen? I wish I knew - hormones, stress, rollercoaster blood sugar levels. It doesn't really matter why they happen, all I know is that when they do I need held, not just by anybody but by somebody special. Sadly that person doesn't exist for me right now, I thought he did but I was wrong. Anyway, while investigating the music of Joshua Kadison I came across this song. How apt these lyrics are:

When a woman cries

When a woman cries, when a woman cries,
she can wash your world away.
When storms fill her eyes, when storms fill her eyes,
you never know just what to say.

Don't say a word, don't say anything.
She don't need your truth or lies.
Just hold her close and love her
when a woman cries.

When a woman cries, when a woman cries,
there is no sadder song.
So you apologize, you apologize,
even if you don't know what you've done wrong.

But if you really want to make her happy,
to stop her sobbing and her sighs,
just hold her close and love her
when a woman cries.

Now don't you waste your time thinking
'bout the right thing to say.
Just put your arms around her
'til the clouds roll away

When a woman cries, when a woman cries,
she can tear your dreams apart.
When storms fill her eyes, when storms fill her eyes,
it can break a... break a man's heart.

And if you find that you are crying too,
don't let it come as no surprise
Just hold her close and love her
when your woman cries.

I haven't met you yet.

2009-12-22T22:00:00.002Z

Here's hoping there's some truth in these Michael Buble lyrics.

Haven't Met You Yet

I'm not surprised,
Not everything lasts,
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.
Talk myself in,
I talk myself out,
I get all worked up,
Then I let myself down,

I tried so very hard not to loose it;
I came up with a million excuses,
I thought I thought of every possibility,

And I know some day that it’ll all turn out,
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out,
And I promise you kid that I give so much more than I get~ mmm.......
I just haven't met you yet.

Mmmmm ....

I might have to wait,
I’ll never give up,
I guess it's half timin', and the other half's luck,
Wherever you are,
Whenever it's right,
You'll come outta nowhere and into my life.

And I know that we can be so amazin',
And baby your love is gonna change me,
And now I can see every possibility, mmmmmm....

Somehow I know that it’ll all turn out,
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out,
And promise you kid, I'll give so much more than I get, mmmm....
I just haven't met you yet.

They say all’s fair
in love and war
But I won’t need to fight it,
we'll get it right an',
we'll be united

And I know that we can be so amazin',
And bein' in your life is gonna change me,
And now I can see every single possibility, mmmmmm

And someday I know it'll all turn out,
And I'll work to work it out,
Promise you kid I’ll give more than I get
Than I get, than I get, than I get.

Oh, you know it'll all turn out,
and you'll make me work so we can work to work it out,
And promise you kid to give so much more than I get, yeah
I just haven't met you yet.

I just haven't met you yet,
Oh, promise you kid,
To give so much more than I get.

I said love love love love love love love.....
I just haven't met you yet
Love love love .....
So doy day ay ay ay, ay ay yeah
I just haven't met you yet!

Happy - It's down to me.

2009-12-15T20:40:00.003Z

Over recent weeks and months things have been difficult for me - understatement of the decade. In May after weeks of planning and stress I was Guider-in-Charge of a County Guide camp for 100 participants. The camp went very well but I did have a falling out with one of the Leaders and things are still a bit strained there. Anyway after the stresses of camp I thought I had nothing better to do than unwind. Wrong. Sadly the husband of my closest friend died very suddenly. I was devastated but can't begin to imagine how my friend felt and what she was going through. The hardest thing about it for me was living 80 miles away and feeling that I just wasn't there for her. I know deep down I was, as she always is for me, but it was tough to deal with.

Over the next few weeks I turned to Donald for support. I always could talk to him. It brought us closer again. Donald told me that he didn't want to be alone and that he wanted to be with me. He even offered marriage! Like a fool I believed all that he said. In September we got engaged and in October we split up. Same old pattern. I felt so hurt and humiliated. I spiralled downwards and sank into a deep depression. My work situation was still very insecure, my love life had hit the buffers again and I was still grieving. Not a good place to be.

Well it has taken another blow for me to finally kick myself up the backside and realise that the only person who can really help me to get on top of everything is me. I need to look at my life much more positively and move on. What was that final blow? I was interviewed for a teaching post at the school I've been teaching in for the past year and didn't get the job. Rejection is a tough thing to deal with but deal with it I will. As far as I'm concerned, and I will blow my own trumpet here, the school has lost a bloody good teacher. One who has jumped through hoops and spun plates with the best of them. At the end of the day it's their loss. I will rise above it. I was still not good at school this morning, devastated, bitter, tearful. It took a trip with the kids to the pantomime to reset my mood. My smile is firmly back in place. The kids had a ball and, although the panto was not great, I thoroughly enjoyed sharing the enjoyment of the kids. They loved it.

I have been helped by some special people. I won't name names, they know who they are, but I will say thank you. I am so grateful for those people in my life who are willing to listen and not judge, to hold me when I need held even if it is just metaphorically, to be there for me when I feel so alone. Thank you.

I was listening to the radio on the drive to work this morning when this Leona Lewis track was played. I like the message in the lyrics. It's so nice to find lyrics that I feel positive about. There have been many journeys recently when I have had to turn the radio off, as I couldn't cope with the words I was hearing. Songs create such strong emotions in me. Thankfully lately these emotions have been more positive.

Happy

Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose
You can’t have everything
Don’t cha take chances
Might feel the pain
Don’t cha love in vain
Cause love won’t set you free
I could stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy
But safe as could be

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear myself
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
Cause I’m just trying to be happy, yeah
Just wanna be happy, yeah

Holding on tightly
Just cant let it go
Just trying to play my role
Slowly disappear, ohh
All these days I feel like they’re the same
Just different faces, different names
Get me outta here
I can’t stand by your side, ohh no
Watch this life pass me by, pass me by

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear myself
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
Cause I’m just trying to be happy, ohh, happy, ohh

So and it’s just that I can’t see
The kind of stranger on this road
But don’t say victim
Don’t say anything

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear myself
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me

I just wanna be happy
Ohh, yeah, happy, ohh, happy
I just wanna be, ohh
I just wanna be happy
Ohh, happy

The Climb

2009-12-13T21:27:00.006Z

Having just watched the X-Factor final tonight and listened to the lyrics for the new single to be released by the winner, Joe, I have decided that this particular song should be my new theme tune - for a while at least.

The Climb

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

The End

2009-11-30T20:00:00.012Z

Donald came round this evening to drop off various things that I had left at his house, to return things I'd given back to him in anger and to collect his bits & pieces that had been left here. I think we both needed this exchange to take place to give us closure on a chapter of our lives. Neither of us were looking forward to the meeting and had been putting it off, or at least I had. I just got so agitated at the thought of seeing Donald again, even for a very short time. We had agreed this morning to go ahead with the exchange. At the time I was quite stressed and upset about it. I had not had a good weekend, feeling extremely low most of the time. However I needed it done and out of the way. Needless to say, because I reacted that way when talking to Donald this morning he was quite apprehensive about his visit.
By the time Donald arrived I was in a much better place than I'd been in earlier in the day, despite having an exhausting day at school. Donald was surprised by the change in me. I felt able to offer tea and we made time for a chat. I asked him to hold me, which he did. We kissed but no more than that. I love his kisses and will really miss them. There were tears but also smiles. I love Donald and because of this have to let him go. If I tried to hang on we would end up hating each other.
I thought I would feel desperately sad once Donald left. I fully expected to have to take myself off into my cave to cry. Instead I feel strangely at peace. I will always love Donald. I will treasure the many happy memories of our time together and will always have a special place in my heart for my Grey Man. Perhaps, in time, we can have some sort of friendship, but for now I need to be left alone to grieve and to heal.Love always my Grey Man from your Sparkles.

Bridge of Orchy Weekend

2009-06-29T19:55:00.018+01:00

This weekend was spent up in Bridge of Orchy, not far south of Fort William. My plan before setting off was to bag the two Munros I missed due to bad weather the last time I was in the area. However, my plans changed just before setting off when I realised that the Lylecraigs Club (Terry's walking group) was planning to do Ben Oss and Beinn Dubhcraig on Sunday. Hey there are plenty more hills.

I travelled up to Bridge of Orchy on Friday evening and spent the night in a midge infested forest area. Avon Skin-so-Soft is such a Godsend at times like these. Saturday morning dawned bright and warm though there was cloud on the tops. The weatherman said it would clear later so fingers crossed.

Ever hopeful I set off in shorts and T-shirt - my new Rab T was having its first outing (yes I know I'm totally sad but I love my T-shirt). I was carrying full waterproofs, long trousers and even my woolly hat in my rucksac, it is Scotland after all! My destination was Beinn an Dothaidh. I'd been up a few weeks ago to do both Beinn an Dothaidh and Beinn Dorain but only got Beinn Dorain done before giving up due to poor weather conditions. So I was
a woman on a mission.

Unfortunately my hopes of the cloud lifting were unfounded. All the way up the hill the summit remained hidden. The ascent was very pleasant. A fairly steep and rough climb to the bealach between the two Munros then another steep, rough spurt up Beinn an Dothaidh before reaching a more gently slopping grassy area with very indistinct paths. Map and compass to the fore at this point. There are three tops on Beinn an Dothaidh and I visited all three just to make sure that I had been on the true summit. I'm glad I spent the time at the top because the cloud did clear a bit allowing some views of the surrounding area.

The descent was straight forward though care had to be taken on the steep sections, as the ground was scree and therefore loose underfoot. The walk down was pleasant, as the cloud had lifted a good bit - typical!

All in all a pleasant day out on the hills. I think Beinn Dorain and Beinn an Dothaidh will always rank amongst my favourite Munros.

The forecast for Sunday was better than that for Saturday so I woke hopeful of a better day only to be very quickly disappointed. Once again the cloud was very low and spilling over the tops. The only good thing was that I had spent the night behind Bridge of Orchy in the company of far fewer midgies, so had managed a much better sleep!

I had planned to do Ben Lui and Beinn A'Chleibh. The weather was warm so on went the shorts again. The walk in was fairly pleasant, initially through some forest land and along the side of the Eas Diamh river. At times the ground was a bit boggy but this only added to the excitement! Mind you, at one point I thought I was a gonner with my left foot sinking fast and nothing solid on which to put my right foot. A quick jump and grab at overhanging branches saved the day. Amazingly my feet stayed dry - I love my boots.

Once out beyond the forest the grassy ground rose quite quickly. The way forward was heading left avoiding some craggy areas. Once around the end of the ridge it was onwards and upwards with a path that gradually rose then became very steep up to the coll between the two Munros. The decision was made to do Beinn A'Cleibh first in the hope that the cloud would lift before going on to do Ben Lui. Ha, did I not learn anything yesterday?

At the coll I had to put on my waterproof jacket but I kept on my shorts. It was really warm but increasingly wet with the cloud coming down ever lower. The path up Beinn A'Cleibh was very steep and loose but it levelled out at the top and the summit was reached almost as an anticlimax.
I was in two minds about doing the second Munro. The cloud was really low and thick but the paths were good. The descent once more to the coll was uneventful and I was feeling good, so decided to go for it. After all, doing both meant I didn't have to do the walk in or out again.

I have to say that perhaps I soon regretted my decision. Ben Lui is 600 feet higher than Beinn A'Cleibh and there was the drop back down to the coll. All 600 extra feet of Ben Lui were steep and loose. One chap I met coming down described the hill as a 'leg burster'. He wasn't wrong. It was hard work climbing up over scree and slab rock. My calves were already sore and now my bum was hurting (sorry my gluteal muscles). I knew I would pay for this. But I did it and I'm really glad I did. The views were amazing!!!!!

The walk back down off Ben Lui didn't take as long as I thought despite the rough, steep ground. There was a great view back to Beinn A'Cleibh during a brief break in the cloud.

Once back at base I cooled off by washing my hair in the river and giving my feet a good soak - bliss.

Bridge of Orchy is well worth a visit. It is a pretty little village nestling below the twin peaks of Beinn Dorain and Beinn an Dothaidh. I will certainly be back.
Having re-read this post I find it strange that there is no mention of the fact that I spent the weekend with Donald. One reason for that was that neither of our families knew we were trying again, however I don't think any of the girls would actually bother to investigate this blog. So why was I keeping it quiet? I don't suppose I will ever work that one out.

A tough but very enjoyable walk

2009-04-21T07:45:00.020+01:00

On Sunday Terry and I were up at 5:45am, had breakfast and got our walking kit ready. We left the house at 6:40am and picked up two other members of the Lylecraigs Walking Group. We then met at the rendezvous point in Greenock before heading off to Crianlarich. It was a very cold morning with Terry having to scrape the car windscreen before driving off, but the sun was shining and it was promising to be a glorious day.

After a comfort break at the public toilets in Crianlarich we headed into Glen Dochart. Once parked it was on with the boots, rucksac and light fleece (no waterproofs!) then off into the hills. The plan was to climb Meall Glas then go on to Sgiath Chuil, both of which are Munros.

The promised weather held fast and very soon after heading off I had to remove my fleece. The first views of our destination were stunning in the early morning sunshine.

The walk up Meall Glas was tough. It's quite a steep mountain. It seemed ages before we stopped for our customary tea break.

The views all the way up were magnificent. The air was so clear that we could see for miles. Here are pictures of Ben Challum (a Munro I turned back on a few weeks ago) and Ben More (one I've still to attempt).

Eventually, after abandoning rucksacs, Terry and I reached the summit of Meall Glas. Once you reach the top of one of these hills, especially on a day like this with glorious sunshine and stunning views, you are reminded about why you put yourself through such torture.

I was very tired after climbing the first Munro and was concerned at the prospect of the second Munro. It looked huge and very steep. We debated for a while as to the best way forward. Firstly we had to descend from Meall Glas then ascend Sgiath Chuil. The group I was with decided we'd be best heading to our left and going up a fairly gentle ridge. It was much further to walk but far less steep.
Well the best laid plans are often scuppered. Unknown to us the group of walkers who had gone off ahead were waiting for us at the foot of the steep face of Sgiath Chuil. Their plan was that we would all climb up this face together! We watched as three people started to come down the slope we were intending to climb. It looked hellish but the thought of walking out from where we were by myself didn't fill me with much pleasure either.

All the way up the steep slope I followed Terry's very valuable advice. I zig-zagged and counted 100 steps then rested for 30 seconds. Using this method I progressed steadily upwards. At one point the face was so steep that Steve was on his hands and knees, as this made him feel more secure on the grass covered slopes. I managed to avoid crawling probably because I have smaller feet! The views back to Meall Glass were great. The mountain looked huge and I was quite pleased I'd got up it. Looking back also took my mind of what lay ahead.

It was exhilarating to discover that only 15 minutes and much sweating later we were up the steep slope and could follow the much more gentle ridge to the summit. What a great feeling when we reached the top. I am so glad I stuck at it. It was a fabulous sense of achievement.

A funny thing happened at the top of Sgiath Chuil. We were settled and enjoying a much earned rest. Paul Keenan had found a large flat boulder to lie on and I was sitting close to his feet. As I relaxed I became aware that Paul's breathing had changed. I knocked him on the leg and asked if he'd fallen asleep. Poor Paul nearly jumped out of his skin, as he had indeed dropped off. How nice to be able to sleep atop a hard, flat rock at 921 metres above sea level.

The walk off the hill was long but very enjoyable. We had been so lucky to be blessed with such a marvellous day. We were all very tired but our spirits were high. The views back to where we had spent the day were stunning. The hills were still totally bathed in golden sunshine.

Once back at the car we headed back to Crianlarich for a well earned liquid refreshment at a local watering hole. I was so glad Terry was driving home, as I was convinced I'd sleep all the way back. What a fantastic day.

Ben Vane

2009-04-16T19:16:00.011+01:00

Terry and I went walking together on Tuesday. Terry has been on a factory shutdown over the Easter break and with me being a school teacher I've been off too. Mind you I have worked four and a half days with Ardfin. It was my suggestion to go walking together just the two of us. The rest of our walking has been done with Terry's walking club www.lylecraigs.org.uk.

We didn't set off quite as early as planned because when the alarm went off at 7am it was immediately reset for 8am - yes we're lazy! We left Terry's flat at about 9:30am and headed off to Loch Lomond. The hill we had chosen to do was Ben Vane, one of Scotland's 284 Munros (mountains over 300 feet high). The fact that this particular mountain is the second smallest of the Munros doesn't make it an easy day out. It is a very steeply sloped mountain.

Once we arrived at the parking spot we got booted up and headed off for our day on the hills. The weather forecast had been good though it wasn't looking quite as promising. The cloud base was fairly low (600m) and there was a reasonable breeze, but it wasn't too cold and it was dry.

The walk in to the hill was along a tarmac road for 2km, past a hydro electric station and lots of huge pylons. If you ignored all of that the scenery was quite attractive. There were sheep grazing in the fields and it was a peaceful scene.

We left the tarmac road and headed across a small bridge over Inveruglas Water then along a track before heading up onto the hill. It certainly did look steep. The photo I've taken of part of the ascent doesn't really show quite how steep it is.Although the mountain was steep it was actually a very pleasant walk. The cloud base kept lifting and dropping again but we did get some lovely views on the way up. This picture is of the view looking over Loch Lomond. You can also see Loch Arklet and Loch Katrine in the distance. Also notice the low cloud.
After a short but very steep section we reached what we thought might be the summit but couldn't find any recognisable cairn. After a quick look about and consulting the map we decided we had a bit further to go, not that anything was obvious because the cloud was now pretty thick and it had started to rain a bit. We decided to head off and just at that moment the cloud lifted its skirts and showed us our goal. I have to say I swore at this point because I had hoped I'd reached the top!

Onwards and upwards. We followed the path on a bit further then came to rock. This had not been described in the Munro book. Instead we had been lead to believe that the steep mountain levelled out nearer the top. Undeterred we abandoned our rucksacs and walking poles and scrambled our way up the rocks to the summit. Was it worth the effort? Absolutely. Not for the view because the cloud was so low we could see nothing, but for the sheer pleasure of the achievement, it was my 20th Munro and Terry's 102nd, and for being able to share the challenge with someone special.

A wet walk on Arran

2009-04-10T19:55:00.003+01:00

Last weekend Terry and I left my flat at the ungodly hour of 6am and headed off to Ardrossan to catch the ferry to Arran. We met several other members of the walking group at the ferry terminal , got on board the ferry then settled down to breakfast.

What were we planning to do? The aim of the day was to climb the three Bens. The forecast had looked very promising but it didn't quite turn out that way. Looking towards Arran you couldn't see much. Our enthusiasm was not diminished though.

Once on the island we caught the bus out to Glen Rosa then started the walk up the glen. By this time we were all wearing waterproofs! Things didn't improve. That said, it was actually still quite pleasant.

We stopped just after a river crossing (by bridge) to regroup and have a chat with a solitary walked we had met (he came from Ayr!). We then headed off up the first Ben. It was still raining and the ground became quite boggy then the wind started gusting. I needed to get something to eat so stopped to raid my supplies. The rest of the group carried on but Terry waited with me. They wanted to get to some shelter before stopping to eat. I couldn't see where there was any shelter and so decided just to eat.

Because we had stopped Terry and I fell behind the group. With the wind gusting quite strongly and the rain getting heavier I didn't see the point in going on. My waterproofs were failing miserably and I was very wet, right down to my knickers. The good thing was that my skin seemed to be managing to keep the rain out!!!!!

I stopped and looked around me. All I could see was rain and low cloud. Terry had walked on ahead but came back when he noticed I'd stopped. When he asked me if I wanted to go back down I didn't hesitate to say yes. Wet, cold and miserable is not my idea of a fun day on the hills.

Thank goodness Terry is like minded. He was more than happy to head back down. He quickly went up the hill a bit to attract the attention of the others so he could let them know what we were doing, then he returned to me and we went down the hill. We walked to the Arran Aromatics cafe and had a warming drink. I also got out of my wet clothes. Black knickers work well enough under cream trousers when they are dry but it's not a good look when they are soaking wet! I finished the day wearing Terry's waterproof trousers and knickers that had been dried under the toilet hand drier.

We got a much earlier ferry back than we'd planned and were able to enjoy a relaxing evening together at my flat. Although it was a very wet day it did still have it's good points! There are no photos of the day though, as it was too wet to get the camera out.

A busy weekend

2009-03-28T18:41:00.013Z

Last Friday after school I drove straight up to Port Glasgow to spend the weekend with Terry. We had a quiet evening in preparation for our planned cyle ride the following day.

After a lazy morning we eventually set off for our cycle. The weather was actually much better in the afternoon than it had been earlier in the day. We headed up and out of Port Glasgow along a disused railway line towards Greenock. We cycled past Kimberley's student halls. We tried to get a hold of Kimberley but unknown to us she was sitting outside the front of the building.

We then headed on to Gourock via Battery Park which was very busy with various football games going on and countless people out and about enjoying the beautiful weather. Once through Gourock we headed for Cloch lighthouse and a spot of relaxation in the glorious sunshine.

It was an amazing day and the views along the Clyde were stunning. It was hard to believe that we were only about 30 minutes drive from the largest city in Scotland.

Beinn Each

2009-02-26T22:42:00.014Z

On Sunday I joined Lylecraigs Hillwalking Club, Terry's club, for a very enjoyable ascent of Beinn Each just north of Callander. Twelve of us set off from Greenock and Port Glasgow at 8am with a rendevous at the public car park in Callander. Once gathered together in Callander we headed out of the town to the start point of the walk. It was my first walk with the club and I was warmly welcomed by everybody there. They are a really nice bunch of people.
We were very lucky with the weather. The walk started off with a gentle climb through woodland then up on to the Corbett. It wasn't a particularly strenuous walk but tough enough for the first one of the year. My back had not been great for a couple of weeks and it kept going into spasm during the walk, which slowed me down a bit (my excuse and I'm sticking to it!).

The views from the hill were well worth the walk up and the little pockets of snow that we found gave me an opportunity to indulge in some childish behaviour, much to Terry's surprise/horror/amusement - not really sure which. We're still together so it can't have been that bad!

After the walk we dropped into a local hostelry for some refreshments then headed back down the road. Terry and I had planned to go out for a meal but my body succumed to the rigours of the day and I fell asleep on the sofa. It was a great day and I'm looking forward to my next walk with the club.
.

Jake - The Return

2009-02-20T21:36:00.005Z

It was the school mid-term holiday this week and rather than relax I decided it would be much more fun to spend time with Jake. I drove through to Penicuik straight after school on Friday and after dinner with Jake and Kris I brought Jake through to Ayr.

We had a great time. We washed nanny's dirty car and played the piano at Donald's, we went shopping, we went to the park with Terry and had a lovely snack in a cafe. And best of all Jake wasn't sick in my bed this time! Terry brought down a teepee that his elder son had bought (not sure why - strange fetish perhaps!). Jake and terry had fun playing with the teepee anyway.

I drove Jake back through to Penicuik on Tuesday so that he could spend some time with his other nanny who was staying with mummy and daddy for a few days.

I did have one day of the mid-term break left then it was back to school for in-service on Thursday.

My weekend in Port Glasgow

2009-01-25T18:58:00.004Z

On Friday I left school at about 4pm and drove up to Greenock to take Kimberley out for dinner. We had a lovely meal in Tokyo Joe's where we sat for quite a while chatting about whatever came up. After dinner I ran Kimberley back to her student halls and stayed to have a cuppa. Kimberley was getting ready to travel to London later in the evening to attend a trade fair the following day.

When I left Kimberley I drove to Terry's flat in Port Glasgow. I met Terry on an internet dating site a few weeks earlier. We did the whole exchanging messages through the site then progressing to personal emails before communicating with each other by phone. We got on like a house on fire and decided to meet up. We first met three weeks ago when Terry drove down to Ayr on a Sunday afternoon. We went for coffee then had a walk along the sea front before heading to my flat. I cooked dinner for us then Terry headed home to Port Glasgow. Terry and I have met a couple of times since then and really do get on well.

The reason I was going to Terry's this weekend was twofold. Firstly I was invited to a Burns Supper on Saturday evening then we were going to walk the first leg of the West Highland Way with Terry's walking group on the Sunday. The Burns Supper was a lovely evening. I met some of Terry's friends from his walking club. they were a really friendly bunch. We had soup then the traditional haggis (both meat and vegetarian), neeps and tatties. Terry had also prepared cranachan for dessert. The drink flowed, though I was driving, and eventually the kareoke machine was switched on - horror! It was actually good fun. I joined in with the singing though I did refuse to take the microphone despite Terry's best efforts to encourage me to do so.

We didn't leave Stacey's house until well into the next day and by this time it was snowing fairly heavily. I didn't rate our chances for a walk the next day - or later that same morning really. I was right about the walk. After such a late night being at the meeting point for 8am just didn't happen. Instead a lazy day was spent in Terry's flat. There will be lots of other opportunities to walk with the group and I will look forward to my first trip away.

http://www.lylecraigs.org.uk/

New Job

2009-01-18T11:07:00.004Z

On the 5th of January I started a new full-time temporary job at Park Special School in Kilmarnock. It's a whole new challenge for me, as I am teaching children from 5 years of age right up to 18 years of age. All of the children have moderate learning difficulties, which have arisen due to medical conditions, behavioural problems or extremely difficult family circumstances. Most of the kids are lovely but one or two are extremely challenging and at times very confrontational. I'm on a very steep learning curve but am really enjoying the work. It will certainly not do my CV any harm to have this experience. Of course the best bit is that I am back on a full-time salary until Easter and maybe June if I'm very lucky. The other bonus is that the rest of the staff are very friendly and helpful. It's a nice school to work in.

http://www.ltscotland.org.uk/sharingpractice/s/parkschool.asp

Crimbo 2008

2008-12-28T18:12:00.003Z

Thank goodness it's over. Don't get me wrong I had a fab time with my family in Penicuik but I am delighted to be back in my own home.

I drove through to Penicuik on Christmas Eve to join in with my elder daughter's birthday celebrations. Ashley was 23. We were joined by Kris's mum, Petra, and my younger daughter, Kimberley. Ashley's fiance, Kris, and their two year old son, Jake, were obviously already there. We had a nice but fairly quiet evening. Jake went off to bed quite excited but not really sure what the whole Christmas and Santa thing was about.

Christmas morning dawned bright and early at 6:45am due to Jake's early rising habits. He opened his stocking presents whilst sitting in his high chair. The rest of us had a cup of tea and tried to waken up. The wee man was so excited when he went through to the lounge and saw the mountain of gifts under the tree. It was toddler heaven.

We all did very well and were now looking forward to a great family dinner. Ashley was in charge of the cooking with me helping out a bit and Kris doing his bit. Ashley's friend, Sarah, joined us for the meal. We had carrot and coriander soup, followed by Turkey and all the trimmings then finished off with lime torte. With Christmas crackers and a few glasses of wine it was a real festive affair.

On Boxing Day Ashley, Sarah, Jake and I went for a walk with Ashley's dogs, Copper and Dennis, and Sarah's dogs, Zara and Levi. It was cold but bright and crisp and a joy to be outside in the fresh air. Later on Kimberley, Jake and I went over to visit my parents in Bonnyrigg. We had a lovely buffet tea and a good old chat.

On the 27th I managed to pop in to visit Nikki before heading back through to Ayr. It was so nice to be able to sit and chat face to face with Nikki rather than over the phone as we usually have to do. I miss our chats.

The journey home was eventful. Yet again my screen wash jets blocked again. I stopped on the M8 to fill up the reservoir only to discover that is was fairly full. I decided to attempt to get home without unblocking the jets because I didn't feel very safe at the side of the motorway. It was a close call. The roads are not very clean at this time of the year and the jets are in constant use. However I survived the journey and arrived home at about 7pm.

Only 6 more school days until Christmas

2008-12-11T21:26:00.002Z

I have been teaching three days a week at Shortlees Primary in Kilmarnock for the past nine weeks. I teach in primary one each morning then do some pupil support with two primary six girls on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. I also teach in primary two on Tuesdays and Thursdays and primary three on Wednesdays. Are you confused yet? I'm used to it now but it did give me some memory trouble at the start. I have also taken a primary four class for PE and taught history in primary five. I'm a versatile woman.

Well the countdown to Christmas is well and truly under way. The primary one kids were just so hyper today. It didn't help that Janette (the actual class teacher) and myself were dancing to Alisha Dixon's latest single (we were singing it badly too) in front of the class first thing this morning! Why? I hear you ask. Basically because we could! We had a big run through rehearsal of the nativity this afternoon with the nursery kids (so cute) and both primary one classes and primary two classes. It was fab but it had come on the back of trying to teach twenty very excited five year olds. Talk about brain drain. I was absolutely exhausted by the time I left the school this afternoon.

I was in a primary two class in the run up to Christmas last year. They were excitable but the primary ones are unbelievable. I don't know how I'm going to get through next week. At least we're off timetable but I have some maths assessments to get finished - ha ha! I actually hate being off timetable. I far prefer structure. Probably all part of my control thing. I'm not in control of the situation if the kids are not doing my planned and organised lessons and activities. Why am I worried. I can just get the kids to do crafts and draw pictures all week. They'll love it. Oh and they are performing their nativity twice, going to watch the primary three to seven show and having a Christmas party complete with white bearded special guest. It'll be a breeze!

Jake's Visit

2008-12-03T22:46:00.008Z

Well all I can say is that I'd forgotten just how full on a two year old is. Jake announced his arrival at my flat by shouting 'Hiya' all the way up the stairs. We had a fab weekend. My younger daughter, Kimberley, joined us from Greenock too.

On Saturday we went to a Christmas Fair at the Auld Kirk. Jake went to see Santa. I don't think he'll be in too much of a hurry to do it again though. It wasn't a photo opportunity because at no stage did Jake get close enough to Santa. After the fair we did a bit of shopping then went home for lunch. The afternoon was spent at Donald's house washing my car. Jake had a ball and I think Donald did too. We also had a cup of tea and Jake took the opportunity to hone his piano playing skills.

On Sunday it was a beautifully cold, crisp and clear day so we went for a walk along the sea front and headed for the play park. Jake absolutely loved trying out all of the equipment. We had a hard job getting him off it all. It took a bit of bribery and corruption to get him ready to head home.

In the afternoon we drove out to Prestwick airport to watch the planes. How gutted was I when I found out there was no viewing area. We had to park up on a nearby road to see what was going on.

In the evening Jake and I took Kimberley to the station to catch her train back to Greenock. One of the guards very kindly let us on to the platform. By jingo did I have an excited wee boy. He talked for ages afterwards about the trains.

Jake went down to sleep easily enough on Sunday night but woke up with a coughing fit and was sick in my bed - lovely.

On Monday we had to pop out for a few bits and pieces then it was time to head back to Penicuik and return Jake to his parents. I expected the wee man to sleep during the journey but instead he chatted non stop. I think he spotted every plane there was and each time he shouted out 'plane, see it granny, see it granny'. The 'see it' bit kept being repeated until I said I'd seen it.

Yes it was tiring having jake but it was also a joy and a much needed distraction from all the recent turmoil of my life. Jake is a fab wee boy and I'm looking forward to his next visit, though perhaps he'll sleep in the spare room to avoid him being sick in my bed!

Jake's coming for the weekend.

2008-11-23T11:43:00.001Z

My little grandson, Jake, is coming to stay for the weekend. I'm going to drive through to Penicuik to collect him on Friday and bring him back through the same day. On Saturday we're going to Santa's Grotto at one of the local churches. If the weather's good we're also going to wash granny's filthy car. I'll let you know how it goes. Now I must go and find those matchsticks!

Internet Dating

2008-11-22T23:56:00.003Z

In view of my current single status my sister suggested that I should try an internet dating site. Well I decided I had nothing to lose and that I could keep control of the situation quite easily. I signed up with friendsof yours via Gumtree and waited, and waited, and waited. I did get winked at quite early on but there was no follow up. I also contacted someone who didn't reply. Then I decided to wink at Robert. I was amazed when he replied to me. We've now had a couple of email conversations and I'm looking forward to the next one. I don't know much about Robert yet but I'm hoping he'll tell me something about himself soon. He does sound nice but I suppose Peter Sutcliffe could sound nice in an email. I have sent Robert's emails and his profile to a friend as a precaution, as you can never be too careful. I'll keep you posted about developments.

Teaching Interview Number Three

2008-11-19T23:49:00.002Z

I had my third teaching interview today. Not bad, I've only been fully qualified since June 2007! The interview was for a P6/7 class at Barr Primary School in South Ayrshire. As I had never even been to Barr before I went for a visit last Friday. It is a pretty little village nestled in the Stinchar Valley right so far south in South Ayrshire that it is almost in Dumfries and Galloway. The school is very small with just three classes - nursery to P2, P3 to P5 and P6/7. The school had a nice feel about it and the staff that I met seemed friendly enough. The chap teaching the P6/7 on the day of my visit was a chap I had been at college with.

My interview went well. I definitely felt I did a lot better this time than on the previous two occasions. I had questions on HMIe inspection, the difficulties of teaching in a multi-composite classroom, the personal and proffessional qualities of a teacher and behaviour management.

After my interview I drove back up to Kilmarnock and spent the afternoon teaching. At the end of the day I checked my phone and saw that there had been a missed call from a Girvan number. I was pretty sure it was the school. I called back only to hear the news that I had been unsuccessful.

Oh well, it is the uncertainty of the supply list for me for a bit longer. I'm sure the right job is out there somewhere, I'm just no longer sure that the job is in teaching.

Sleeping with the fishes!

2008-11-16T12:11:00.002Z

I took part in a rather unusual Scout Zodiac Camp last night. 17 Scouts and 3 Leaders all slept in the tunnels below the sharks etc. at Lomond Shores Aquarium! We arrived in the early evening and first cooked our evening meal up on the viewing deck. We then had a mixture of crafts and games before settling down to watch a DVD. In the wee small hours we all went downstairs into the tunnels to spend our rather unusual night. This morning after breakfast, which was cooked and eaten on the viewing deck with the stunning backdrop of Ben Lomond, we were given a tour of the Aquarium and watched as the otters and some of the fish were fed. It was certainly an unusual but also very enjoyable experience.

Romance is dead

2008-11-02T23:23:00.006Z

After four and a half years of a real rollercoaster relationship Donald and I have decided to call it quits. How do I feel? Pretty shitty but I know in my sensible head it is the right decision. I just need to stop listening to my heart. I love Donald more than I have ever loved any man and I know he loves me but we just can't make it work. If it was only love, or only about the two of us it would probably be so much easier. Life is just not as simple as that. There is always so much baggage. Now I need to put it all behind me, lick my wounds and try to move on. The thought of getting out there scares the hell out of me. Really I would just like someone from my past to suddenly pop up. Perhaps I'll just batten down the hatches and be on my own for a good while. Who knows, in time I may come to enjoy being alone!

This picture was taken on Arran not long after we moved in together. Probably not the most flattering picture of Donald but when he looked at me like this, with his inner little boy on show, I could forgive him anything. The picture at the top was taken by someone I've never met. A chap called Barry, whom Donald met and struck up a friendship with. They went on holiday together to the island of Rum. In the picture Donald is sitting on the beach at Mallaig with the island in the background. I love the picture and will treasure it always, as I will treasure the many happy memories of my time spent with a very special man.

The words of Dido's White Flag are so appropriate to the way I feel right now.

I know you think that I shouldn’t still love you

I’ll tell you that

But if I didn’t say it

Well, I’d still have felt it

Where’s the sense in that?

I promise I’m not trying to make your life harder

Or return to where we were

Well I will go down with this ship

And I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess

And destruction to come back again

And I caused but nothing but trouble

I understand if you can’t talk to me again

And if you live by the rules of "It’s over"

Then I’m sure that that makes sense

Well I will go down with this ship

And I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I’m in love and always will be

And when we meet

As I’m sure we will

All that was then

Will be there still

I’ll let it pass

And hold my tongue

And you will think

That I’ve moved on

Well I will go down with this ship

And I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I’m in love and always will be

Gan, Ban & Dowo

2008-09-12T20:07:00.016+01:00

Last weekend Donald and I took my almost two year old grandson, Jake, away in the camper van. To say the wee man was excited was an understatement. My daughter, Ashley, had told Jake about the trip two days prior to our arrival. That night she couldn't get Jake to go to bed. He stood at the livingroom window watching for Gan and Dowo to arrive in the ban.

When we arrived at the house on Friday evening Jake was standing by the front door looking out. He looked at me and ran straight into the livingroom shouting. Ashley opened the front door for him. I was greeted with 'Hi Gan, ban' and a pointing finger.

After a cup of tea we got Jake's car seat and his kit loaded then got into the van. Jake was in his element. He has a total fasination with vans. We said our goodbyes, with Jake not giving a backwards glance, and headed off. We had decided not to go too far away in case Jake didn't settle and we had to bring him home. This was his first overnight adventure without mum or dad. All the way to the Meldon Hills Jake talked non-stop. He could see so much more than usual from his high perch in the front of the van. Every single sheep and cow was pointed at and announced. He certainly kept Donald entertained during the journey. He was so excited, especially when he spotted his new Bob Bob (Bob the Builder) wellies!

As soon as we arrived at our camping spot and Jake got into the back of the van off came the trainers and on went the wellies. Ashley had packed toys and books but Jake was in his element after he found the net bag of pegs! Who needs expensive toys?

After dinner and much sheep spotting it was time to get Jake's bed organised. All the bedding is stored in the over-cab bed area. Donald pulled down the duvet etc and Jake made himself comfortable. He laid down on the floor and pulled the duvet over himself taking care to keep his new wellies with him. Honest we did actually make up the lower bed and managed to persuade the wee man that he was to sleep there!

The following day was very wet but we were undaunted. I had bought Jake an all-in-one splashsuit. We had breakfast then got our waterproofs on before heading out into the rain. It was great fun splashing in the many puddles. The new wellies and splashsuit were well and truly christened.

Later in the day we drove into Peebles and went for a walk. Jake sat tall (well as tall as he could be with Donald carrying him!). It was time for elevenses already. Jake learned the family rule of only ever being allowed to eat a Tunnock's teacake once it had been smashed to bits!

Note the pegs on the table in the cafe!

It was a great weekend though Ashley was fairly stressed, as we had no mobile signal so she couldn't reach us to check on her wee boy. The trip home was just as exciting for Jake as the trip out had been. There were just as many sheep and cows to point at! I will definitely do it again.

The Arrochar Alps

2008-07-14T09:17:00.000+01:00

This weekend I decided to travel to the Arrochar Alps for my next hill walking expedition. The Arrochar Alps are the mountains in the Loch Lomond area of Scotland. I have previously climbed two of these mountains, Ben Lomond and Ben Vorlich, with a group of friends from Penicuik. I remember the weather starting off great for Ben Lomond but ending up as torrential rain. The weather for Ben Vorlich was a bit better, low cloud and wind but no rain!

I set up base camp for the weekend at Ardgarten campsite. The site is run by Forest Holidays and sits in a beautiful location on the shore of Loch Long with the backdrop of the Cobbler. The only downside is that it cost £27 for two nights camping! I didn't arrive at the site until early evening, as I deviated from my journey to do a spot of shopping at Silverburn - I'm such a girl at times! I set up my tent then cooked my dinner. I spent the evening drinking beer (only one bottle - honest!) and reading. It was very nice to relax in such a tranquil spot.

I was up early on the Saturday morning and after a good breakfast headed off on my planned route of Beinn Narnain and Beinn Ime. The day was dry and reasonably warm but the tops of the hills were covered with a blanket of low cloud. I really enjoyed the walk up Beinn Narnain. It started of with a pleasant climb through forested land then changed to open hillside. The views were amazing. I could see all the way down to Arran and Ailsa Craig and Ben Lomond stood proud and clear.

Towards the top of Beinn Narnain the walk became a bit more of a challenge. I don't like edges at all and was very aware of the sheer drop to my left. I was never in any danger but needed to keep my eyes fixed on the path ahead rather than what was at my side. I also had a bit of scrambling to do, which I really quite enjoyed. I did manage to lose the basket from one of my walking poles at one point and, when I saw where it had landed, decided I didn't fancy climbing back down to get it. Unfortunately the cloud had dropped lower by the time I reached the summit. There was absolutely nothing to see except grey murk. Undaunted by this I headed on to Beinn Ime.

The decent of Beinn Narnain was fairly steep but uneventful. It was followed by an easy walk across the Bealach a Mhaim with great views back up Beinn Narnain, across to the Cobbler and of Beinn Ime. My route ahead didn't look complicated with Beinn Ime being a more gently rounded Munro than Beinn Narnain. It was great that the low cloud had lifted so that I could see much more clearly where I was heading but, true to my luck, by the time I reached the top the cloud had dropped back down again and once more the view was of uniform grey murk.

I had decided that I would add the Cobbler to my list for today but was having a rethink. My back has been very sore for the last couple of weeks and was giving me quite a bit of pain today. I could see that the path up the Cobbler was pretty steep, and it's the steep bits that give me most discomfort. However, when heading back down from Beinn Ime to Bealach a Mhaim, I met three hill runners, one of whom assured me that the quickest way back for me was up over the Cobbler, along the ridge and down to Ardgarten. I was here anyway so why not grit my teeth and get on with it. The Cobbler is a spectacular mountain even though it's not a Munro.

The walk up the Cobbler was as tough as I had expected. Much of the path has been stepped but it opens out to rough, rocky ground towards the top. I have to be honest and admit that I didn't actually climb right to the top of this hill but if you have a look at the true summit and you know about my total fear of exposure you will understand why. A young couple did climb to the summit (without ropes - mad) and made myself and a couple of chaps feel very uncomfortable watching them. It would only have taken a slight misjudgement or heavy gust of wind to bring about disaster.

I managed to find the route off the Cobbler via the ridge but couldn't see how to head towards Ardgarten, so had to head back to the normal path off. This was a long gravel footpath that twisted and turned through the forest and took me out at my starting point. I was left with a further two mile walk back along the road to the campsite. I don't think I've ever really enjoyed a walk off and certainly didn't enjoy this was. At the end of a day's hard walking a long walk off is quite draining and demoralising.

I had planned to tick Ben Vane off my Munro list on the Sunday but, because of the back pain and having added the Cobbler to this walk, I decided to save that particular hill for another day. Instead I spent Sunday morning packing up then taking a leisurely drive home via Helensburgh.

Sorted for Ayrwaves

2008-07-07T16:07:00.001+01:00

I'm going to an International Guide Camp, Ayrwaves 2008, from 26th July to 2nd August this year. The camp is being hosted by Ayrshire North Guides and being held at Eglinton Country Park in Kilwinning. The camp theme is the Gathering of the Clans. Each sub-camp, there are ten of them, has adopted a clan name. The Ayrshire South sub-camp is Clan McGregor. I am joint first-aider for the McGregors with Carol Graham. We have been getting things organised for a while now. But just today I took delivery of the most vital piece of equipment. My new shoes arrived! Aren't they fab? Well I just couldn't be out done by Nikki and her purple Crocs so I treated myself to a pair of lovely, red (they look a bit pink in the photo but those who know me will appreciate that would not happen) Birkenstock Betula's. I bought them on Ebay for a snip. I also bought a pack of mixed Jibbitz for decoration. Perhaps Nikki and I will start a Jibbitz swap at Ayrwaves instead of the more traditional badge swap

Ben Lawers Revisited

2008-07-07T15:30:00.001+01:00

Don't worry Nikki, this post will be nowhere near as long as the last one!

Another free weekend, well Sunday (was bag packing in Glasgow with the Scouts on Saturday), so decided to head north again. The weather forecast was not brilliant for a good chunk of the country but further north looked as if it could be OK. I packed my car on Thursday evening, as I was going to a friend's for tea after work on Friday and needed to be off early on Saturday. On Saturday morning I left at 8.30 dressed in my Scout uniform. Off to find Tesco St Rollox. The day went fairly slowly and we only raised about £530 mainly due to the poor turnout of Scouts but also the apathy of the customers. I've never had so many knock-backs at a bag pack.

After the count I was back into my car and heading for Killin. Traffic was horrendous. There had been an accident on the M8 and everything was backed up. There were also roadworks (though no-one was actually working) on the M80 causing quite a delay. However the drive north was a pleasant one and surprisingly, despite everything that's been going on, not a tearful one.

I arrived at the campsite and the first thing I did, as I was still in Scout uniform, was to reassure the owner that I was not the advance party. He said, 'No of course not, you're wee teeny fae Troon'. I must have made an impression last time! I set to straight away and got my little tent set up then got changed into real clothes. I then had a chat with a Polish couple who were expecting to see lots more Scouts arrive but did marvel at how I would fit them into my tent. Eventually I got my evening meal prepared and sat for a while reading and enjoying a beer but the rain came on so I took myself off to bed.

The following morning I was greeted by a dull, wet day with very low cloud. I was not deterred. The forecast was not bad so I decided I would go for it. My plan was to climb the two remaining Munros in the Ben Lawers group of seven, Meall Corranaich and Meall a Choire Leith. I set off in the car to the start point, noting the various places to stay overnight in a camper van should the need arise if Donald and I ever get ourselves sorted out. The start of the walk was very easy, however the cloud was very low and it looked very wet at the tops.

A gentle uphill walk over a rough path soon turned to open moorland and bog. I had made a good decision in wearing my gaiters. The path then started quite steeply uphill but there was no way of telling what lay ahead, as I couldn't see it for the low cloud. It was not a day for photographs. The guide book said the submit was reached in one hour 40 minutes. I did it in one hour 50 and was really impressed with myself. I couldn't see a thing from the top. As you can see from the photo everything apart from me was pretty much a uniform grey. Undaunted I set off along the ridge between the two Munros. The wind was quite exciting and it kept blowing in more rain. I didn't have my waterproof trousers on when I set off and by the time I put them on I had wet knickers - not pleasant!

As I progressed along the ridge the cloud lifted from the second Munro, Meall a Choire Leith, and there it stood in glorious sunshine. Would I be lucky enough to reach it while the sun still shone I wondered. As I got closer to my goal I looked behind to see what the weather was doing. I had considered taking my waterproofs back off but there was obviously no point. The next band of rain was on its way. I really impressed myself with my ascent of the hill. From the start of the incline to the summit I didn't stop. It's not the biggest of Munros but equally I'm not the fittest of baggers. My exploits of two weeks ago had obviously dramtically improved my fitness.

The summit of the hill was quite an anti-climax. In fact I'm sure I said out loud, 'Is that it?' Oh well another one in the bag. Now for the long walk off, and it was long. I startled a couple of red deer hinds and watched them belt off up a hill - oh for their stamina. I also watched a pair of Golden Plovers (just identified them in my Book of Britain's Countryside). I'd never seen these birds before and I don't think they'd ever seen anything quite like me either. They certainly had a good look. After a good long walk over very rough and boggy ground I managed to get back to the car. My map reading skills are not too disasterous after all. My first job was to get out of my wet clothes, including the knickers. Good job the road was pretty deserted and the car windows were all steamed up.

Once changed I headed for a cafe I'd noticed on my last visit. I treated myself to a delicious cream tea and a bit of relaxation before starting my drive home. On the way home I stopped in Callendar to buy chips for my tea, as I had no enthusiasm for cooking once I got home. I also did a bit of shop browsing and even bought a birthday present for my older daughter, Ashley. Her birthday isn't until Christmas Eve but I like to buy things when I see them.

Another walking trip over. All that was left to do was to have a steep in the bath to relax out my leg muscles then it was off to bed, after watching the conclusion of the Wimbledon men's singles final of course.

Ben Lawers June 08

2008-06-17T23:13:00.001+01:00

I had planned to go hill walking last weekend but my plans had to be changed when I found out on the Wednesday that I had a job interview the following week. Instead of hill walking I was studying in preparation for my first ever teaching interview.

No job interviews this week and no other plans, so to avoid an empty and lonely flat over the weekend I decided to head for the hills. I studied the maps and settled on the Ben Lawers range. My reasoning was that it was close and there was the possibility of doing a few Munros fairly easily. My only concern was the significance of my chosen destination. During the Easter weekend of 2003 I arranged to meet Donald at the Ben Lawers visitor centre. That was to be the start of our affair which led to the subsequent break-up of my marriage and my relocation to Ayrshire. Despite all that has happened since then Ben Lawers will always be a special and particularly poignant place for me.

I left school at about 5pm on the Friday, later than intended but par for the course for me. The car was already packed but I had my food to collect from home and decided to have my tea before heading off. I left at about 6.30pm and stopped at Tesco for petrol and more provisions before heading north. It was a pleasant drive, not the bit up to and through Glasgow, but afterwards towards Stirling then on through Callandar although I became quite tearful as the first of the mountains came into view. I shouldn't be doing this stuff on my own, it's so wrong.

I arrived in Killin at about 9pm and found my chosen campsite easily enough. It didn't take me long to pitch my tent and get settled for the night - being busy is good. A bottle of beer and a couple of chapters of my book then I settled for the night.

I was woken early by the crows - a bit reminiscent of Guide camp! I wasn't complaining, as I wanted an early start. On went the water for coffee, my early morning must have fix. After breakfast and ablutions I got organised then headed off in the car to the visitor centre. I could remember the first part of the road but not the bit over open moorland and grazing. The visitor centre was very familiar though and I had to sit for a while to let my emotions settle before making my final preparations for my adventure.

I headed off looking up towards Beinn Ghlas and Ben Lawers wondering if there was any chance I'd get close to the top. I had forgotten how bloody determined and stubborn I am. I had also not counted on my need to force the physical boundaries in order to cope with the emotional ones. The weather was perfect with blue sky and fluffy, high white clouds. I was only wearing my base layer but there were several others layers in the pack on my back. You can never second guess the weather and just have to be ready for all that it might throw at you.

The walk up Beinn Ghlas was actually very pleasant even if I spent a great deal of the time thinking about Donald. My thoughts of him crowded my mind. He should have been with me. We have never actually completed a Munro together because I was never fit enough. Was I fit enough now or did I just have something to prove?

I didn't linger at the top of Beinn Ghlas but headed straight on up Ben Lawers. It looked massive but fairly tame from Beinn Ghlas. It was busy on the hills. The good weather and the easy access had brought lots of walkers out. It was nice to pass the time of day with others enjoying the same pleasures.

Having reached the top of Ben Lawers and now pretty tired I stared in wonder at An Stuc. It is a marvellously rugged mountain. Having said that, Ben Lawers has a spectacular north face itself. I felt as if I could reach out and touch An Stuc. I hadn't planned to go any further but it was still early enough in the day and there was excellent visibility, despite the hail and snow! The wind was quite strong but nothing too worrying. I made the decision to push myself a bit further. This was perhaps a mistake, as I hadn't read my guide book.

The walk up An Stuc was a total slog. It is a very steep mountain. But there was another surprise in store. I commented to a passing chap that the hill was just a slog and he remarked that the other side was even steeper! I eventually reached the summit and gazed in awe at Meall Garbh, the next Munro in the horseshoe. It was so close. I had come this far. I decided to go on. Hmmmm.

The decent of An Stuc's north face took me well outside my comfort zone. I mentioned earlier that it is a steep mountain. It is also very rugged. My walking poles were soon tucked away onto my pack so that I could use all five points of contact - hands, feet and bum! I slithered down rocks first making sure that I had a firm foot or hand hold. By this time I had developed a small bond with a Dutch girl out enjoying the hills. We shared our fears. I almost came unstuck but thankfully it was not my day to die. I reached a point where I was not sure what to do next. I couldn't see a safe route down. My pack was throwing me forwards or pulling me backwards depending on which way I faced. The pack had to go. Off it came only to become the advance party for my decent. The pack was dropped complete with poles down a rather sheer section. I had hoped the pack would drop the 8 feet or so and come to rest - ha! It bounced and rolled and bounced again before coming to rest about 30 feet below me. I now had no choice. My car keys were in my pack so I had to reconnect with it. In actual fact, without the pack, the decent became much more simple!!!! I was reunited with my pack but my poles had come adrift and were languishing 10 feet or so above me. No need to despair, my knight in shining armour had arrived - well hiking boots etc. Two young couples were doing all 5 Munros in one go. The chaps were fab. they rescued my poles - a bit worse for wear - and then helped a woman and her dog who were going the opposite way. They were up and down the rock face like a pair of mountain goats. The girls did offer to let me join them on the full 5 Munro trip but I declined - perhaps the only sensible decision all day!

Once down An Stuc I had to decide what to do next. Should I go on up Meal Garbh or call it quits? Meall Garbh was standing there in front of me but what I couldn't face was another uphill slog followed by the return journey. No I decided enough was enough. I also decided to lose height and do a traverse around the bottom of An Stuc and Ben Lawers with the aim of joining up with the low path eventually. Eventually was the right word. I followed sheep trails around the bottom of the mountains wishing all the time that I had the legs of a haggis! By now I was very tired. The going was hard work. I was passed by a couple of chaps, one Canadian (accent and hat) and don't know about the other. They asked if we could get out this way! I told them that was my plan. They carried on past me leaving me on my own watching the changing weather. It had snowed and there had been hail at the top but I didn't really expect it where I was now. I became so demoralised when the sky grew darker and the heavens opened. On went full waterproofs and on I plodded, growing more and more tired.

At last I spotted the path and headed for it. I needed to be off the hills now. I needed to know I was safe. I needed to eat and rest. The walk back seemed endless. The weather was still not great and my legs were going through the motions of walking, stumbling or whatever. The Dutch girl caught up with me again. She had turned back on An Stuc and headed back up Ben Lawers. Perhaps, in hind sight, I would have been better doing the same.

At last I was back at the car totally exhausted but rightfully proud of my achievements. I sat for a while adding fuel to the boiler and marvelling at the mountains I'd just tamed! I then headed back to the campsite. I enjoyed a beer and sat for a while. A fellow camper asked what I'd been doing and what I would be going up tomorrow. I said I might manage to get up out my bed tomorrow. I was so tired. By 8.30pm I had climbed into my sleeping bag and was out like a light having made the decision not to do any more walking the following day.

I woke fairly early on Sunday morning and thought about what I should do. I didn't think my body would cope with more hills. But then I told myself I was daft. I was here so I should go for it. I argued with myself. Eventually I made the decision to go for it. I got the tent down and packed away then headed to Ben Lawers village to start the ascent of Meall Greigh and Meall Garbh. Even walking up through the farm was hard work. I kept telling myself to turn back. However the weather was good once again with excellent visibility so I pushed on through the pain barrier - huh who am I kidding?

It was a fabulous day. The views were spectacular. The guide book said you could tackle Meall Greigh by various routes, one of these being directly up the fairly steep but grassy face. That was what I decided to do. Once again I was not alone although there were not as many people on this hill. I could see someone a little bit ahead of me but going a different route to the one I had chosen. Off I went struggling up the hill from landmark boulder to landmark boulder. The task was made harder by the fact that I'd damaged both my walking poles yesterday, so didn't have that additional pulling power. I had to keep stopping but my excuse was that I was admiring the view!

Meall Greigh is one of those naughty, teasing hills. It shows you a summit, which you struggle to reach only to discover there's another, higher summit laughing at you. I stopped a bit from the top and had a long rest and a bite to eat. The views were amazing and the weather was still great.

A couple came up past me and reassured me that I didn't have far to go. They were right. Before much longer I have chalked up another Munro. I took a quick photo of myself then headed on towards Meall Garbh. What did give me some comfort was the fact that the person I'd seen earlier on, lower down the hill was still behind me. Someone else who took their time climbing up these mountains.

The light on An Stuc and Meall Garbh was brilliant. I would have loved to have shared this with Donald, but of course I was alone. Instead I took a photo to remind myself of my trials and tribulations from the day before. The jagged gully on An Stuc is what I climbed down and broke my walking poles on. It is a fabulous mountain though.

Ben Lawers looked great from this side. The ruggedness of the face was wonderful to see. I was feeling good having managed to get this far. It was a very pleasant walk from Meall Greigh towards Meall Garbh. It's just a pity you have to go down one Munro a fair way before going up another. Meall Garbh was also fairly steep. It was like going up a very tall staircase - the stairway to heaven?

At last I reached the top and felt rightfully proud of my achievements. Five Munros in two days is not bad for anyone, never mind a person who had slipped a disc just a few short weeks ago. The only fly in the ointment of my achievement was the fact that I'd done it alone. I've never actually climbed a Munro with Donald because of my lack of fitness. It was a bit ironic that at long last I had regained enough fitness to be reaching this type of goal. The last time I'd climbed a Munro was August 2003 when I did two Munros and a top in the Mamores on a blistering hot day.

Not long after I reached the top of Meall Garbh I was joined by Lorna. It was Lorna I'd seen taking a different route up Meall Greigh. I'd stayed just ahead of Lorna all the way up walking at a similar pace. We sat chatting on the summit and trying to shelter from a squally snow shower. We decided we would come off the hill and return to our cars together. and so, in pleasant company I headed down the mountain.

It was an easy companionship with Lorna. We talked about the hills and our lives in general. We had a fair bit in common. I found I could talk quite freely about myself, my situation, my feelings. Lorna seemed to be able to do the same. We spent a very enjoyable couple of hours heading down the hill then decided to continue our conversation over dinner in the Ben Lawers hotel. Lorna lives in paisley, so not far from me. Hopefully we will keep in touch and perhaps we will share a few more hills in the future. It was nice to end the day on a high, being able to share the hills with someone who will hopefully become a good friend.

Doldrums

2008-05-23T22:00:00.001+01:00

I haven't really had a good week. I've been feeling tired and very tearful. I miss Donald and am lonely all the time. I stay at school for as long as I can some days then I work on the PC all evening just to keep my mind from wandering off into places I don't want to go. I swing between wanting Donald to call and never wanting to speak to him again. He will no doubt be in touch in the near future, as I have asked for all my belongings from his loft to be brought to my flat. I will be glad when I've also paid off my debt to him, as I will then be totally free of the man, except for my memories, but I don't want to lose most of those, the good ones anyway.

What's behind my current melancholy? I wish I knew. Apart from missing Donald it's a difficult and worrying time for me. The end of the school year is fast approaching and the end of my contract at Girvan Primary. I've applied for quite a few jobs but without success. There will be supply teaching next session but there is no security in it. I need a job. I had been thinking of moving out of the area when Donald and I went our separate ways but I changed my mind. However, I am now casting my job search net further afield. I have drawn the line at the island of Lewis. I don't want to live somewhere that causes me difficulties in visiting my daughters in a weekend. I will consider the whole of the central belt along with Fife and Dundee. I may even look at some of the border towns if the cost of housing is reasonable enough. Goodness knows where I might end up.

Well, if I wasn't sad enough before, I've just had a phone call from my District Commissioner of Guides to let me know that Vivien's mum died this morning. Vivien is the Guider-in-charge of the Guide unit that I work with. Vivien's mum was ill last year but rallied. She was supposed to be coming up to Ayr tomorrow to join in with family birthday celebrations. What a difficult time for all of Vivien's family.

Guide Camp

2008-05-04T17:41:00.000+01:00

Sorry, far too tired to tell you anything about it right now - but I will say that I didn't end up at A&E this time!

Only 14 girls and four leaders, what a doddle. The girls were a nice bunch and really wanted to be at camp. They worked well together and made the camp good fun. Hey they even got to sleep the same day they had woken up!

Flying the nest.

2008-04-27T21:28:00.000+01:00

My younger daughter, Kimberley, moved into halls of residence at James Watt College in Greenock today. She is off to do a short course in eyelash tinting, perming and other such female beauty tortures. The course is really just a taster for Kimberley's big adventure in August when she embarks on a three year course of study in theatrical make-up.

I think this is the start of Kimberley spreading her wings and asserting her independence. I have a feeling that Kimberley will not ever live at home again apart from holidays and visits. Having said that Kimberley has not lived with me since her dad and I split almost four years ago. probably just as well really because Kimberley and I rubbed each other up the wrong way. We are too similar. We do get on well but the distance separating us does help!

Kimberley is talking about doing the third year of her course in London, so that she's closer to theatre land. Will she turn into a luvvy I wonder?

Kimberley's dad, Stephen, drove her through from Penicuik and I drove up from Ayr to meet them in Greenock. Once Kimberley was unpacked we took her food shopping, more to reassure ourselves that she would at least survive the first week of her new independence! We briefly met one of Kimberley's new flat mates and saw several other students sitting outside enjoying the beautiful spring sunshine. It was a fabulous day for Kimberley's first big step.

I do have concerns about how my daughter will cope, but I'm her mum and to worry is my lot. It did feel strange leaving my little girl in such alien surroundings and I'm sure her dad felt that way too. However I am also sure that, given Kimberley's gregarious nature, she will soon settle in and will really enjoy her short stay in Greenock.

Young, free and single - OK, not so young.

2008-04-26T18:37:00.000+01:00

I am well and truly single again. A state I've not properly been in since I was about 18 years old. I told Donald today that I didn't want to see him any more. I then called him to say I'd changed my mind, but really I was letting my stupid heart rule my head. Donald doesn't want to try again either and I know deep down it is for the best.

My relationship with Donald has been very up and down from the start. I struggled to deal with my total change in lifestyle and circumstances when I moved through to Ayrshire to live with Donald. I missed all that I had left behind but I loved Donald deeply and was sure things would work out in the end - wrong.

The first six months of us living together were good although I did have some very black days in that time. I had no job, no friends and missed my daughters terribly. Plus I felt very guilty about the number of people I had hurt in pursuit of my own happiness. Gradually though my relationship with Donald began to get more and more strained until, eventually, I moved into my own flat. We didn't see each other for a while but, gradually, we worked through our differences and developed a good relationship, albeit continuing to live apart.

It didn't last. Once more we were back on that rollercoaster. In fact for a while we split up and I started seeing someone else. That probably gave Donald the push he needed (not that it was ever my intent) and we got back together again. All was rosy for a time but, true to form, we started to fall apart again. Up and down and round about we continued to go until 27th December last year when I said I'd had enough.

Our separation was again brief. We decided we'd try to be friends. But it was never easy. So now I am on my own. My head knows it is the right decision but I truly love the man and would love to be held close by him. It is just not meant to be and I'm going to have to learn to accept that and move on. I don't want anyone in my life right now but I know I don't want to be on my own for ever. I need company and companionship. I love to share life's experiences, they are just not the same when you are alone.

The right man is out there somewhere. I thought Donald was that man. I am devastated that he has turned out not to be. I love Donald dearly and know that I always will. Who knows, perhaps many years from now, we will both feel able to try again.

Jake

2008-04-16T16:54:00.000+01:00

I am typing this blog with my tail between my legs. My daughter, Ashley, complained that I have a blog about him downstairs who gives me grief on Mondays and I have a blog about Nikki but that there is no mention of her or my grandson, Jake. Ma bad!

I got a phonecall from Ashley just after New Year 2005 to let me know that she was pregnant. I was shocked, surprised, disappointed and many other things. I put on a brave face for Ashley and didn't rant & rave, there was no point, as it couldn't be sorted that way. Why did I feel that way? Ashley was only 20 years old and it was just not what I had hoped for her. We discussed all the options but I knew deep down that Ashley would want to keep the baby. On the bright side her boyfriend of only a few weeks, Kris, was sticking by her.

Ashley asked me if I would be with her when she told her dad. How could I refuse. Ashley had always been a daddy's girl and I knew how devastated Stephen would be. I drove through to Penicuik the next weekend and managed to have a few minutes with Ashley before speaking to Stephen. After giving Ashley a reassuring hug we went to tell Stephen. He reacted exactly as I had expected, he flopped like a burst ball. I kept willing him to give Ashley a hug to reassure her and eventually he did. Ashley was in tears, as were her dad and I but I knew it would be OK.

Ashley had a fairly good pregnancy and I have to say that by the end of it I was almost looking forward to being a granny. I was delighted when Ashley asked if I would be her birth partner. Kris would be there but wasn't sure how he would cope with it. I was really lucky that the Head Teacher at my school was so supportive. She agreed that I could take a couple of days off at very short notice. Ashley made things a lot easier for me by going into labour over the September weekend.

The birth was an amazing experience. Ashley, who used to cry at the least bit of pain, was fabulous and Kris managed to stay for most of the event, only ducking out now and then for some air (or a cigarette). On the 11th of September 2006 my grandson, Jake, was born.

Jake is now 19 months old and an absolute delight, though I'm sure his parents don't always agree, especially when he's cutting teeth. I absolutely love being a granny, mainly because I get all the good stuff and can hand Jake back when he cries. Jake is a generally a happy wee boy and Ashley & Kris are doing a great job with him.

Glencoe Revisited

2008-04-13T22:47:00.000+01:00

On Friday morning I packed various provisions and all the necessary paraphernailia for another walking expedition in Glencoe. This time I would not be alone. This was to be my first 'meet' with Kyle Mountain Club. I was a bit anxious about the trip, as I didn't really know the folk too well. Anyway, I was picked up by Joe just after 3pm and off we went. We managed relaxed, easy conversation all the way north - but then I can talk the hind legs off a donkey! We were first to arrive at our weekend accommodation, SMC's Lagangarbh bothy, situated at the foot of Buchaille Etive Mor. It is an awesome spot. Deer were wandering about outside the bothy and looking bat us with disgust for disturbing their little haven.

Having unpacked and booked our spaces on the sleeping platform, yep lots of us all sleeping together - they are a friendly bunch, it was time for some vitals. We had fed and watered before anyone else arrived. Then the party started. Beer, wine, whisky and gin, to name just a few, were flowing. There were lots of Scoobie snacks too. I think I eventually crawled into bed sometime around midnight knowing I'd be a bit worse for wear in the morning.

Saturday dawned a bit grey but it was mild and the cloud cover was reasonably high. There was a right old stramash as everyone got breakfast organised then worked out who was walking/skiing where. A group of three went off to Aonach Mor to ski, a group of five went off to Glen Etive to bag a Munro and Joe & I decided on something much more tame. When I was last in Glencoe I climbed the Devil's Staircase but couldn't admire the view at the top due to the whiteout conditions. Joe is a chronic asthmatic and is not really able to do much high level work and my fitness is still languishing at base level so the Devil's Staircase it was for us.

We took our time going up walking at Joe's pace, which meant lots of stops to normalise breathing - hey he made me look really fit! All the time we were climbing the weather was improving and the cloud base lifting. The views were wonderful. We got to the top of the staircase then decided to go on further with a walk around one of the hills. We discovered we couldn't do this because of the very boggy ground so we decided to walk on down the path towards Kinlochleven then head off to the right, up on to a ridge and do a loop back to the saddle at the top of the staircase.

The views over to the Mamores were spectacular and ever changing in the light. Joe struggled a fair bit climbing up on to the ridge but he persevered. At one point I thought we were heading for trouble as the weather changed and was heading for us. I wasn't sure that we would get out of the weather quickly enough with Joe's difficulties. Luckily the bad weather passed over us and we could continue on our way untroubled.

Eventually we got back to the saddle at the top of the staircase then made our way downhill and back to the bothy. We had started out at 9.30am and arrived back at about 2.45pm. We only walked about 4km but I think Joe felt a real sense of achievement at what he'd managed.

Back at the bothy we had some refreshments then both had a nap before the others returned. Then it was the mayhem of dinner preparations and swapping storied about the day. One poor chap, David, had a couple of bad falls but, apart from that, we all had a great day.

Our evening meal was a very enjoyable affair with everybody trying each other's dinner and sharing alcohol. Meal over and dishes done we went through to the 'lounge' and the comfy seats and began to party again. As I'd suffered from a headache for most of the day I decided it would be safer to drink a bit less this time. I just enjoyed the company and conversation. Gradually we drifted off to bed, again it was about midnight for me.

I woke at about 3am with a rather full bladder but thought I might managed to drop off again. No such luck. It turned out I was sleeping beside some sort of heavy duty machinery. My God can Joe snore! No way on earth was I going back to sleep. I got up to the loo and came back to try again. 30 minutes later I gave up. Taking my sleeping bag with me I made for the lounge. I put two seats end to end and curled up in an attempt to get comfy. The remainder of my night was very fitful. Needless to say I was not in the best of humour in the morning.

Joe found me in the lounge just after 7am and when asked what was wrong was shocked to be told he snored like a steam train. Hmmm, perhaps this communal living isn't for me after all. Anyway I got up and brought myself back to life with coffee. Once I was fully awake it was once again time for the breakfast preparations followed by packing and tidy up. Joe was driving me home but I wasn't much company, as I used the time to catch up on my sleep!

Despite the lack of sleep I did enjoy myself. I'm not sure if the club is for me though. Perhaps I shouldn't make any judgments or decisions until I've been away with them again. My next trip, if I go, will be to Arran in June.

Minbus Training

2008-04-08T08:22:00.000+01:00

I was asked by Aberlour Child Care Trust if I would be willing to do my minibus training so that I could be one of the drivers during our Easter and Summer Playschemes. I readily agreed to this, as I didn't think it would do me any harm having this skill to add to my CV.

The first part of the training was an evening of theory followed by a muliple choice exam. There were 6 or 7 of us at the training, quite a friendly bunch. The trainer, Gordon Wilson, was very friendly and informative. The theory went well and I aced the test - go me.

The next part of the training was the driving test. I was not quite so confident about this. The theory training took place on 11th March but I had to wait until yesterday to sit the driving test due to timing difficulties with me working in Girvan.

It was Gordon who took me out again. We did an practice drive frist with Gordon demonstrating then me taking over. I got lots of praise and absolutely nailed my reversing round a corner. I did say that was it and that he should have taken that as my assessment. Next it was time for the assessment. Gordon took me through loads of narrow streets, which presented a variety of hazards, but it all went well. Then came the reverse for real. Not nearly as good this time but I was allowed a few attempts to get it right. At last I did an acceptable attempt. We then headed back to the depot.

At the depot Gordon said he had been really impressed with my driving and actually felt that for someone with such limited experience of driving minibuses I drove very well, as I didn't kerb the bus at all and my first reverse was better than any he could do himself! Anyway, after all the praise I was told I'd passed, which is just as well because Marion, the base manager at Girvan, is having difficulties driving so I am needed.

The final part of my training takes place this evening. I will be trained and assessed on access to the minbus for the disabled. This inculded using ramps and tails lifts and clamping wheelchairs into the bus. I am not worried about this part of the training - just watch this, I'll crash and burn. I'll let you know how I get on later today.

Job Applications

2008-04-06T22:22:00.000+01:00

It is that time of year when teaching vacancies start to be advertised. Yes I know there are teaching jobs advertised all year but every year around Easter there is a release of jobs. So I've been busy with application forms. I haven't applied for a teaching post since about last October. I got really disheartened with constant failure, so when I was offered the long-term supply cover post at Girvan I decided to put applying for jobs on hold and just consolidate my infant teaching experience. That decision has paid off for me, as I have now been in the same P2 post since the winter term and have had my contract extended to the end of the session. However, although the teacher I'm covering is not coming back, there is absolutely no guarantee that I would be made permanent in the school. So it's back to the search for a job for next session.

I am applying for full-time posts in Alloway, Gardenrose and Muirhead Primary Schools. I am also applying for 0.4FTE (full-time equivalent for the uninitiated) posts in Alloway and Troon Primaries. The post at Troon is a job-share but I'm not sure what the Alloway poinbtage post is. I should perhaps try to find out!

I got my application written then had a meeting with one of the Principal Teacher's at school. She went through my form adding bits and taking out bits in various places. Her help was invaluable. I then passed my form to the Head Teacher to enable her to write a report on me. The HT also suggested some changes to my form. All suggestions are gratefully received.

My HT report makes me sound really good. I was asked if anything needed changed. All that needs changed is me. I need to convince myself I am that teacher! I may come across to people as confident but I am jelly inside. I know I can do the job but sometimes I struggle to believe in myself.

Anyway my applications are done and ready to be posted. The HT reports are not finished but permission has been given for them to follow during the first week of the new term. It's just bad timing for the closing date.

Purple Nikki

2008-04-06T18:37:00.001+01:00

Nikki was through this weekend. She was doing a craft demo at Dobbies in Ayr. I am conveniently located to be able to provide board, lodgings and transport for Nikki's Ayrshire demos.

We went out to the Carlton for our tea as is our custom. We both enjoy the carvery. It is cheap and cheerful. We then took a run up to Eglinton Park at Kilwinning. We are both taking part in Ayrwaves, an International Guide camp, in the summer. The camp is being held in Eglinton Park. We then headed for home and the gin bottle!

The following morning I took Nikki up to Dobbies and helped get things organised then left her to it. I went shopping while Nikki worked - he he! I returned for Nikki later and brougyht her back to the flat where I fed and watererd her - gin again! We spent a pleasant evening chatting and putting the world to rights.

We took our time getting organised this morning then eventually I drove Nikki up to Glasgow to get the train home.

Fred

2008-04-06T18:09:00.000+01:00

On Monday 31st March my delightful downstairs neighbour, Fred, got up to his old antics again. I had just arrived home at about 6:15pm. I went into my bedroom to change and was aware of loud banging noises coming from Fred's kitchen. It is below my bathroom, which is next to my bedroom. I thought to myself that Fred was having a high old time to himself. Well then he started cursing and swearing, using words that I would not put into print. Needless to say it was all directed at me - goodness knows what I've ever done. Well he went on and on and I became quite distressed so decided to call the police.

At first the police officer I spoke to was a bit dismissive but when I explained that this had very much been an ongoing saga, albeit in a fairly quiet phase in recent months, he decided that officers should be sent out to investigate.

While waiting for the police I decided to call Donald and let him know what was going on. I then started to prepare my tea but whilst doing this my elder daughter, Ashley, called. I explained everything to Ashley and while I was talking to her the police arrived.

I had to explain to the officers all that had gone before. They suggested that I call the ASBO team but I explained that they don't respond on Mondays and it is always on Mondays that Fred kicks off. I also explained that I had made a complaint to the council housing officer and that a visit had been made to Fred. The officers then went down to speak to the man.

Fred was none too happy. He totally denied what he'd been saying. He never remembers anyway because he is always drunk when he says the stuff that upsets me. He wanted to know who had complained but the police wouldn't tell him. He then announced that 'give him a couple of days and he would find out then he would .....'. I didn't hear the threat that was made. The police left having told Fred to behave.

Well no sooner had the police gone when Fred came out the door of his flat and banged it shut. He came upstairs and knocked on Carol's door (Carol, Lee and Leane live opposite me). There was no-one at home so Fred went upstairs to Mo & Craig who live above me. I heard Fred talking to either Mo or Craig but didn't know what was being said. Next Fred came back downstairs and rang my bell then started banging on my door. Needless to say I was not going to answer it. Thankfully he didn't stay long before returning to his own flat and slamming his door. I was really upset again and phoned Donald who advised me to call the police, which I did.

Before the police arrived Fred was back at my door ringing the bell and banging the knocker. His language was awful. He was shouting loads of abuse at me. I was really agitated and called Donald again. He asked if I wanted him to come down and I agreed that I did.

The police arrived just after Fred had returned to his flat and took my friend into custody for the night. I don't suppose he'll be too happy with me but it serves him right.

Just as the police arrived Carol and Leane returned home. I explained what was going on and we had a bit of a chat. Carol informed me that Malcolm, who lives in the flat below her, had been in jail for a year. I did wonder why I hadn't seen him! She also told me that she had been burgled and Leane's playstation etc had been stolen - I must have been away when that happened. The next piece of news I got was that the girlfriend of Gary (who lives on the top floor on Carol's side) is a coke head. That would explain the goings on several months ago when she was taken away screaming by ambulance. Considering Fred calls me Big Nose I seem to miss a lot of what goes on here. Well there is one thing I can say - there is never a dull moment, but I could certainly do without some of those moments.

Donald didn't arrive until it had all gone quiet again but it was nice to sit with him and have him hold me while I relived it all and coped with the rush of different emotions the whole affair had caused. Donald stayed for a good hour by whcih time I felt calm enough to go to bed.

Monday 7th April

Well it's a Monday again and, despite being taken into custody last week, Fred was up to his old tricks again. I arrived home at about 8:10pm to be greeted by rather loud music. I could cope with that but at about 9pm the cursing and swearing started. For once it didn't seem to be directed at me. He was going on about someone who'd stolen £10 from a pensioner. Goodness knows what was at the back of it but I had to suffer the foul language for several hours. I find I can't relax in my own home these days, which is not a good position to be in. The sooner I can get a permanent job and move away from here the better. My neighbour across the hall is planning to move away partly because of Fred. It's not a good situation.

Fred quietened down for a while but started again after I'd gone to bed. That was it, I'd had enough. Fred was then out in the stairwell and I heard him shouting at Lee, who lives across the landing. He was going on about Lee, saying he didn't have a mobile and wouldn't call an ambulance. I'm sure he also said something about having a broken ankle but he then managed to walk to the telephone box, so I'm not sure about that one.

I called the police at about 11:40pm. They arrived fairly quickly but while I was waiting I could here Fred shouting 'Excuse me, will you call an ambulance'. The police arrived but before I could get a chance to talk to them Fred came out and sidetracked them. The police went into Fred's flat and they arranged for an ambulance. I think they thought their job was done and they left! No conversation with me about why they'd been called out. I now need to go to the police station but won't be able to do that until after work today. What did I do to deserve this?

First solo expedition

2008-03-23T23:52:00.000Z

Hi there, on Friday March 21st 2008 I loaded up my car and headed off to Glencoe on my first solo camping expedition. I became single at Christmas so I decided that if I wanted to continue hill walking, a passion of mine, I'd have to get out there and do it myself. I was really upset and quite tearful on the journey north, but it was the time of the month for tears.

I arrived at the Red Squirrel campsite in Glencoe and proceeded to erect my tent. It was very windy and I didn't like how my tent was behaving in the wind so I decided to take the tent back down and move pitch to a more sheltered spot - if there was such a thing. I also decided to try my other tent - yes I had come prepared. Truth be told, both tents were new and I wanted to try them out. The second and smaller of the tents seemed to stand up to the wind a bit better.

Once the tent was sorted it was time to head off to the pub in search of my evening meal. By now I was beginning to mellow and the tears of earlier were forgotten. Armed with novel, reading glasses, money and headtorch(for return journey after dark) I walked the mile or so to the pub.

The Clachaig Inn has a great atmosphere - well except for the time I visited with Donald at New Year, wrong sort of crowd - the usual punters are hill walkers and climbers, a casual and friendly bunch. I didn't get much of my book read, as I spent the time involved in conversations with several people. I did manage to eat a good meal of chicken in oatmeal with a mustard sauce and a sizeable portion of apple & blackberry crumble with custard (yes I know it's a banned substance). I also managed to partake of a few half pints before deciding it was time to return to the solitude of my little nylon home.

The wind was still pretty wild and doing its best to lift my tent with me inside and send us packing. Once the owls had stopped twit twooing to each other and I had grown accustomed to the huge gusts of wind I dropped off. I had a fairly disturbed night due to the wind and a full bladder but not due to the cold I'm glad to say.

I was woken by two very noisy woodpeckers knocking lumps out of the trees. It was a bright and cold but very beautiful day. I cooked breakfast on my new Trianga stove (the last new item for this camp) using a gel fuel - and I thought I'd struggled to cook breakfast at Guide camp! Meths will be used on the next trip. Anyway I did eventually manage a cup of coffee and a bowl of porridge. Prepared my butties and packed my rucksac then headed off to the Lost Valley.

The RAF Mountain Rescue were in the car park but not, thankfully, waiting for me to go seriously wrong out in the wilds of Glencoe. They were taking part in some sort of training exercise. I thoroughly enjoyed my walk into the Lost valley, chatting to various people as we passed. The weather couldn't have been better. The scenery was a balm to my soul. Lunch was eaten whilst sitting on a rock in the valley and enjoying the peace and solitude. I wasn't alone for long though, as it is a popular walk.

I soon decided it was time to head back to my temporary home. I was nursing a cold and it was beginning to take its toll. So back down to the car park and off to the campsite. I then snuggled into my tent, partly because I was tired but also because I wanted to be alone. I slept for two hours, not sure if it was because of my cold or the disturbed sleep the previous night, but I must have needed it.

I will head off to bed now, as all this talk of sleep is having an effect. This story will be continued.

********

After a lovely nap lasting a surprising two hours I woke refreshed. I spent a fair bit of time chatting to my neighbour, a prison warden from Falkirk (didn't ever ask his name). Eventually hunger started gnawing at my insides so I realised it was time to tackle dinner. I decided against the Triangia and gel fuel this time and got out my double burner gas stove (well I did say I'd come prepared). On went the pasta then, once it was done, I added a Lloyd Grossman sauce. Next I added a tin of sardines, well I took the sardines out of the tin first! Do I hear you saying yeugh? I happen to really like sardines. While I was cooking the rain started. It was actually very cold and I was surprised it was only raining.

Having cooked my dinner I climbed into my little safe haven and settled down to eat. "Mmm, I could have a beer with this", I thought. Then I realised I hadn't brought a bottle opener with me. How stupid could I get? I had brought two bottles of beer and no bottle opener. But wait a minute, I did have one. It was on my multi-tool. Not good, I realised my multi-tool was in my rucksac, which was in the car. It was raining really heavily by now and I was snug inside my tent. Dammit, I decided I'd just have to have whisky instead!!! Absolute bliss, lying in my tent having eaten well, reading my book by the light of my head torch, drinking whisky and eating that forbidden fruit - chocolate. Several chapters, glasses and squares later it was time for lights out. I settled into my nest and was out like a light. No disturbances this time, no owls and no morning woodpecker chorus.

The first thing I did on waking was to marvel at the quiet. Then I surveyed my domain - all six foot by four foot of it. The raindrops of the previous night were now frozen solid. It was going to be a cold one.

Sunday in Glencoe

After a breakfast of porridge I packed up my camping equipment and loaded the car. Then I drove back into Glencoe and parked close to the start of the Devil's Staircase. It was quite a dull and overcast day but it was dry. I stood for quite a while watching various people making their way up Buchaille Etive Mor and hoped they'd be lucky with the weather. It seemed to me as if it was closing in. Anyway, once kitted out I set off up the staircase.

It was loving watching the ever changing view as I walked higher up the hill. The view back into Glencoe and across to the Buchaille was absolutely inspiring. I also admired the SMC's Lagangarbh bothy, which will be my weekend residence when I revisist Glencoe in mid April. The bothy sits in such an idyllic spot at the foot of the Buchaille.

I had probably walked about half way to the summit when the snow started. I turned to watch the people on the Buchaille but they soon disappeared in the blizzard. I continued on my way up the hill because I was fairly safe walking on a well trodden path that is part of the West Highland Way. If I had felt at all uncomfortable I would have escaped back downhill.

I had been told that the view of Rannoch Moor from the top of the Devil's Staircase is outstanding. Well it's not too spectacular in a whiteout! I couldn't see much at all. The Mamores were grey massess in the distance against a white backdrop. Rannoch Moor was white on white. I decide I would take a picture of myself at the top, if I could get the self-timer on my camera to work (I'm a bit of a technophobe), then I would head back down.

Once back to the car I headed off on my journey home. I stopped at Tyndrum for some lunch then stopped again at Loch Lomond for a bit of retail therapy. It was a good weekend.